Butterflies

Old habits die hard. I share a bed with Depression yet again. Hello dark, life sucking emptiness, my only companion in these gloomy hours of the night. Did you miss me? Surely you must of, otherwise you wouldn't have been so hasty to embrace my hollow body once more. Do you love me? More than I love myself no doubt. You enjoy my company. You don't turn in disgust at the very sight of me. You rejoice in all my faults and mistakes, so proud, that you constantly whisper them in my ear. You tell all you're friends about me, and they become eager to meet me. Loneliness, Doubt, Guilt, Pain and Hurt all crawl up next to me. They kick off the the cover, exposing me to the bitterness that eventually leaves me numb. Yet I do not complain.

But one day, I will learn to love myself, more than you or any of you ill-lighted friends. I will love me for me, imperfections and all. I will be my own friend, no longer an enemy. I will learn to love my reflection, and we will exchange a smile. I will be kind to myself, forgive and show mercy. I will learn to love me. I will learn to love again.

This is my hope.

False Hope

I am not strong. I am weak, fragile, torn and broken.

Although life is getting better

It does not change the fact that these past years have left me bitter and angry. I still believe there is beauty in the world, I just have to think twice before accepting it.

I'm Giving Up On You

I am lonely.

I don't want any of your bullshit about how I'm not alone, that you're there for me, cause that doesn't change the the fact that I feel alone. I have no one to turn to. And when I do start to tell people, it just feels wrong. I don't feel safe. 

I am empty.

I'm so full of negative energy, yet I feel like I have nothing. I've given so much of myself away to others, trying to make them happy, that I have nothing left for myself. 

Sometimes

You try so hard to take care of everyone else

That you forget to take care of yourself 

A Great Big World "Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

I'm A Mess

So it has been quite some time since I've done this. Why? I don't want to talk about my life. But I'm gonna do it anyway. Its a great big pile of shitty nothing. Things didn't go so well in Auckland, so I came back early. Not that I really had a choice. I was too emotionally damaged to be any good, to much of a pathetic mess to function. Okay, so they didn't say it in those exact words, it was more along the lines of "We don't think you are in the right mental space to be going overseas." Either way it sucked, because I had spent three months being told I should be myself, but not if they don't like who myself is. I tried to please them, say what they wanted me to say, and do what they wanted me to do, and even when I did get it right, there was another 50 things I was still doing wrong.

Since returning to Palmerston North, my depression got worse. To the point where I wouldn't get out of bed because in I felt like the world wouldn't hurt me. In my dreams I was happy, I was smiling, but to be woken up was hell. To be reminded that I was a screw up and wasn't good enough anymore. But sleep would elude me til the early hours of the morning, while my mind would be filled with self hatred, anxiety and the loss of purpose to my existence. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just stayed asleep. And for the most part I did.

I applied for jobs, and only heard back from one, only for them to say that I didn't have enough experience for an entry level job. I was being told that applying online wasn't good enough. I needed to try harder. But it was harder for me to even open up the internet and actually look for a job, yet alone actually place my CV (a written summery of who I am) for someone to judge if I was good enough for them or not.

Depression is a dark place, and one thing I have come to learn this year is people don't understand it. So often we think "they are just mopping around, that they should just get over themselves, you choose to be happy", but that would be like saying to a person with cancer "Get over yourself, you choose to healthy." One of the best explanations of depression would have to be by Hyperbole and a Half. Please do check it out.

That's one of the hardest things for me. People just don't understand. to say I spend most of my day on the internet would not be an understatement. But there is reason for it. I don't spend hours scrolling down tumblr or watching youtube videos just to waste time, or because I'm addicted to the internet. No. If anything I'm addicted to happiness, because I'm in such a horrible place in my life that if I can find any piece of hope, even just the smallest sliver of happiness, I will desperately cling to it with all I have, trying to keep it close enough to my heart to try and melt of some the ice that has been there for far to long. But life just wants to see my freeze alone and miserable. To have you're dreams and hope criticized and mocked, a part of you dies. So please, PLEASE? If I find happiness, don't take it away from me. Whatever it may be.

 

New Life Beyond the Horizon

So my last post was pretty slack if I am honest with myself, and I wont make any promises that this will be any better, but I'm trying.

I haven't really announced it officially ( and by officially I mean I haven't made a status update about it on Facebook), but I received a call just over a week ago telling me that I had been accepted into the mission internship and will be spending most of the year in Auckland and Fiji. All very exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. The stress is getting to me, you can tell by the fact that my fingernails are nearly down to the nubs and my face, chest and back have broken out. Its not pretty, but I leave in less then a week. There is still so much I need to do, and very little time. I want to catch up with my friends before I go, but I don't think I have enough time to do so.

Back to the last post, about Parachute. Something I didn't mention was that I was hit on by a middle aged man. Me being me, I was oblivious to it at first, I thought he was just being nice. Started off with simple hi's and the exchanging of names, that was all fair and well. He asked more about where I was from, what church I went to, simple pleasantries, that was just fine. But its when I caught him staring at me, not just for a moment, but for nearly 6 minutes, it was a little uncomfortable. After the gig, he asked me for my number, I told him I didn't have my phone on me, nor did I have a good enough memory to actually remember my number. He then said he would give me his number and asked if I had pen and paper to write it down. I had neither, and thought that would be that, but instead he searched the whole venue asking everyone if they had pen and/or paper. He gave me the slip of card, which I took and placed it into my bag (I haven't actually seen it since) and continued on with the conversation I was having with a friend. This man (Tui, this is what was written next to him number) decided he wanted to show me pictures on his phone, and really, REALLY made sure I could see them, which made me feel rather claustrophobic. In all fairness though, he hadn't necessarily done anything wrong, other then to disregard my personal space, it was just uncomfortable and awkward for me.
If it were someone younger or (if I'm being very truthful) better looking, then maybe it would have been more ... pleasant.

Its past 3, I really should get off here and at least try to sleep.

These next few weeks are gonna be tough... wish me luck.