Over It

The headache's back after being gone for just two days. 4 visits to the doctor in a month. She wrote a referral to neurologist. A week later we get a letter from the hospital saying "the specialist has assessed the information provided and has prioritised your referral as URGENT," and to be honest, this freaks me out. Those bold letters screamed at me "URGENT."
Its not meant to be urgent, only minor.

Have you ever imagined what you would do if you were told you were going to dye soon? I have. I'll also admit to imagining how people would react to something like that. What if I am actually dying from some illness? Would I tell anyone about? I couldn't stand the thought of my friends worrying, or being bombarded with mushy sympathy lines. One of the reasons I kept my dad's heart ops a secret from my school friends until it was to unbearable to handle on my own. But then again, would I milk the sympathy thing? Use it to my advantage? Probably not. If anything, I would keep my mouth shut (like I normally do).

I'm not good with telling people how I feel, unless its happy. I could go on forever about being happy. It makes other people happy, and that's what I want.

But my music is sad/serious. Its me actually expressing how I feel. I guess that's why I'm hurt when people don't listen, especially the ones who say that I can tell them anything. If that were true, then you wouldn't talk over the top of me, or walk out of the room because "it's another sad song." You wanted me to tell you how I was feeling, but you threw it in my face when I listened to you?

I don't belong.

I'm scared, not that I let people know, but I am. I'm scared to be seen as weak, like I need help. I do need help though. I know for a fact I can't go through life on my own. But that's where God comes in.

Gosh, I really am no good at this.

I am dying. So are you. Each and everyday we are dying. To quote one of my favourite songs by Jon Foreman:

"All along I thought 
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really 
I've been learning how to die"

If you were to dye today,

would you be ready?

Better Life

Its hard to believe sometimes, that it's been 3 years already. I still remember it so clearly: The feeling of uncertainty as we pulled up into the dark car park, unsure if we could find our way out in the field. Clutching onto our pages as we made our way to the gate. Hearing the familiar voice of my cousin yell out to us "over here" as I let out a sigh of relief knowing we were in the right place. Setting up tents by the dim light of torches, the cold slowly gnawing at my bones as air beds are placed inside, and a sense of accomplishment as the last bag is tucked away in the corner.
Then we all piled into the main building, screams and yells of excitement filled the room as the countdown begins. Nervousness sat in the pit of my stomach, not knowing what to expect. It was not at all what I thought I had signed up to do.

Ah, my first night of Easter Camp. I really must thank my cousin for inviting me, who would of known that for the next 3 years it would be the highlight of my year. But here I am, 4 camps later, and I still love it as much as I did back then, maybe even more so.

For this year, I decided I would write a blog post instead of a facebook status, simply because I would not be able to fit everything into a tiny update.

This years worship band was Soul Servant, who was actually one of the Sunday night acts last year, and boy did they do an amazing job! They played a mix of popular worship songs such as King of All Days - Hillsong United and Glorified - Parachute Band, as well as a few of their own songs. Although I was slightly disappointed they didn't play "my song" (Came to My Rescue - Hillsong United ), these guys have some serious talent, a passion for God, and some pretty sweet dance moves.

Sunday night was beautiful, seeing God work in so many lives. Enough said I think :D

I went nuts when I heard that one of my all time favourite artist, Strahan, was going to be playing at Easter Camp this year. My friends joked I was his, biggest fan, probably because I was able to sing along to every one of his songs he performed. I was beyond happy by the fact that I finally got to see him perform live, and not on a live video feed on the internet. He has such an amazing voice ^.^ I also got to meet him! And he recognised who I was from facebook and twitter. He also signed James (my ukulele).

By they way, if you hadn't already heard, I renamed James to James. Sounds weird, some may be a bit confused by this, but James (the uke) was named after a James that I met at my second Easter Camp, but another James I know (also from Easter Camp) convinced me to rename him James, so I did.

Oh, James and I entered in the talent contest, performing an original song "Paper Hearts Burn Easily", and I think it went really well. I didn't win, but I really don't care. I got the chance to perform one of my own songs, without mucking up, and that's all I really wanted.

Now at the start we were asked what we wanted to get out of the weekend, and for me that was healing and clarity. I'm half way there with the healing (after 4 weeks, the headache is finally gone!!! Now to just get rid of the nausea...), but I think I am more confused now then I was before. Confused about what?? I am a teenage girl, who is in her last year of high school... I think you can guess what confuses me, and if not, then oh well.

I made heaps of amazing friends, and got to see some old ones too. Gosh I'm gonna miss you guys (if there are any of you actually reading this)... There is the very high chance that this year was my last. And I will admit that when I got home, I started to cry. Easter Camp has been a huge part of my life, and so has the many amazing people I have met there. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want it to end, "but all good things must come to an end" apparently.

"I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
I'm gonna miss you"