Amsterdam

So I pretty much failed last time at the blogging thing, so I'm hoping this time I might be a tad more productive.

To sum up the end of my High School year, Manawatu won the house cup, my academic year was crap, but I was happy with the amount of work I put into my leadership role and other services to the school. After 5 years, I finally got a hug from my favourite teacher, Mr Bell. I still can't believe its all over. To tell the truth it hasn't sunken in just yet, and I don't really want it too.
I have also decided that I am gonna study at UCOL next year, doing the Certificate of University Preparation, not because I want to go on study at Uni (I still don't know what I'm doing with life, so I'm gonna wait to figure it out before I make the decision to study), but because I have failed Level 3, even with the credits from my externals, and it is my goal to get Level 3. I had to explain this quite a number of times to friends and teachers, but on of them told me that I had not failed, I just needed to catch up is all. This made me smile.
This year has been tough for me. Being "ill" for so long, and still not knowing what's up with that. In turn, I missed pretty much half of the school year due to being sick.
(Quick update on my health: Yes I am still sick. There are days when my headache and nausea are at a point when I can manage them, but most of the time they cause me some pain and grief. On top of that, my sleeping patterns have been thrown out of wack and I now can't fall asleep till at least 5 am.)
After dreaming of working in radio for 4 and a half years, and to have it suddenly change to nothing, it is hard to handle, scary, and confusing.

I went to my friends 18th last night. Yes there was drinking, no I didn't get drunk of my face, not even tipsy. I was in charge of cooking, and decided that it wasn't safe to drink and fry (although no frying was actually involved) so I just stuck with some good old coke with a squirt of lemon.  Now what is the point of talking about this? Well, I kind of took advantage of the fact that other people were drunk/tipsy and decided to admit a few things that I have never had the courage to say out loud.

1. I have only ever been in love with two people.
2. My first love was Josh.
3. My second love was not Jordan (sorry, but its true. I wasn't really in love with you, but I did really care about you.)
4. I actually used Jonathan to try and get over the second person I was in love with, which obviously didn't work out.
5. I know you probably don't want to hear this (if you are actually reading this), but the second person I was in love with was Dan.
6. It is because of 5. that I am not quite sure how I feel about his engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am super happy and excited for him, but there is still a pain in my chest that keeps coming back when I think about it.

There, now I have admitted it twice.

Imagine Dragons - Amsterdam

By My Side

I keep wanting to post about everything. About school ended. About my fear of losing contact with friends. About prize giving. About my confusion. But I don't know what to say.


 

The Night My Dreams Came True

I struggle with the idea of being invisible. I'm sure a lot of people do. But it tears me up inside when people seem to just look straight through me, especially when I am so desperate for their attention. Its like I'm screaming (sometimes quite literally) out for someone to notice me, even just for a moment. I want to be remembered, not just another shadow in a sea of faces, just another crazed fan. But how do I achieve that? By constantly changing my hair colour? By saying some of the most random things? By being "me"? Has any of it been working? You tell me. I feel so small, so insignificant, so worthless. So when someone actually takes the time to notice me, it fills me with hope. That maybe I am worth the time after all.

Side Note: Its true that I always want us to be more then friends. But what you don't seem to understand is that I wanted us to be best friends. And we were, until I screwed things up.

Time goes by

It's been a while since I felt like this. To feel so content with life, to feel at ease about it all. And all it took was a few days in another country.
I could go on for hours about all the amazing things that took place and even longer about the fantastic people I met who I magically became so close with in those very short days, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to talking about the realisations and decisions that have crossed my mind since then.
One of my biggest fears is losing people I care about, and it seems that without thinking, I started to push away the ones I love. Maybe it was so I wouldn't get hurt, or maybe it was for their good not mine, but whatever the reason, the outcome was a very lonely one.
With only 3 weeks of school left, and pretty much all of my friends moving away (or already living in different cities) I really want to make the most of what little time I have left with them. These are the people who have helped me get through these past 5 years in one piece, and I want to thank them, in some way or another.
"Forever alone" doesn't apply to me now, well at least I don't feel forever alone. After meeting some "good Lutheran boys" I don't feel so, hopeless any more. Like maybe, just maybe I will find someone  I can call my best friend.
Just the other day I was asked what I looked for in a man. After thinking about it for a while, my kind of embarrassing rather long list from when I was a kid shrank into only a few.
Respectful, to others and myself.
I would really like him to be Christian.
Although a bit cliche, I have always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. Someone I can trust, who can make me laugh, who I can tell anything to.
And it must feel natural.

Don't do anything stupid, I have grown rather fond of you.

I want to know you

I woke up this morning, still feeling his arms around me... then I realised it was just a dream, and "he" isn't real, nor do I know him and have never met him before, but I take it from the dream that he cares about me, and I him. Its not the first time I've dreamt about him, in fact, he's been showing up more frequently. I don't know his name, how I met him, but I know that we are close. The dreams are nothing out of the ordinary, almost seem real sometimes. I wake up sometimes and wish I could fall back asleep just to see him again. I won't lie, he is pretty good looking, even in the dream I catch myself staring and thinking "how is he in my life?" but then reality strikes and I realise he's not. But I can trust him. I tell him about the problems I'm having and he listen, he comforts me. He gets on well with my friends, and they all seem to like him. He's sweet, and kind, and funny, and he knows me so well. We always have so much fun together, and I am smiling when he's around, and I swear I can feel his warmth when he pulls me in for a hug. His embrace is comfortable, so familiar, I don't want to leave his side. He's my best friend, and sometimes I think he might be something more.

May sound weird or pathetic, but I wish he was real, or if he is, I wish he would hurry up and be in my life.

I hate to admit it, but couples make me feel so, single! With most the majority of my friends dating, and some even engaged (or planning on it) I have been feeling more single then normal, even my cat doesn't seem to help (I still love you though Jack).

I guess I'm just looking for someone to be there, you know?

James 2:17

So you see, it isn't enough to just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless.


I am still super keen to write some songs with you Jaws. The Falling Movement ft. The Invisible Sign? 



"I have come to the conclusion/ that with time/ the more I learn/ the less I know/ so its about time I let it go
Forget about the difference/ that come/ with change/ and every discussion I make"



Its kind of ironic really, I'm listening to Imagine Dragons - It's Time, and at the same time I'm thinking about changing my style. Hair, clothes, that sort of thing. While cleaning my room, I found some loose coins and put them in a jar. I've decided I want to go shopping at the end of the year, do a big clear out of my wardrobe, and replace most of it. My dad has been bugging me for a while to chuck out some of my clothes, but I've never had anything to replace them with, so at the end of the year, after exams and school is finished, I'll have a new wardrobe for a new life outside of school. Nothing expensive, most likely op-shop stuff (I do love a good op-shop). I want a  new style. No more big baggy boys t-shirts and hoodies. I'm sure my mum will be pleased with that, as will my brother (no more borrowing his clothes from his wardrobe). I've already thrown out some old shoes, and if you were to look into my rubbish bin right now, you would see several hole filled shoes, shoes that are missing their pair, sitting at the top.


This time off has given me a lot of time to think, and what I've been thinking is its time for a change. A new attitude and approach to school, work, and life. I will be honest, I have been slacking off in school, and yet somehow I'm still passing all my classes, but I want that to change. My teachers don't deserve me slacking off. With all the effort they put into teaching me, they deserve me putting effort into my school work. I don't want to just pass, I want to pass with flying colours, make my teachers proud, maybe they will know they are doing a good job, because they really are. My teachers have been so supportive and understanding over these past months, and I am extremely grateful for that. So I want to do something to show my appreciation. 


I've also been thinking about what I want to get out of life. I like making people feel happy, making them feel special, but how can I do that? I have been considering mission trips, and things of that nature. I have even decided to cut all my hair off so that it can become part of a wig for a child with no hair. I have even considered shaving it off before the ball (and hey, that would be one less thing I would have to worry about), but mum doesn't think that's a good idea. I guess she wants to have some nice photo's of me from my year 13 ball. 


"I don't ever want to let you down
I don't want to ever leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night"

- Imagine Dragons

White Blank Pages

12.25am. My brother sits only three meters away from me, but there are two walls between us. He's back from uni for a short while. It seems nothing has changed between us. We get on, but hardly talk. When we do, its short, awkward sentences. But I'm glad to see him again. I've missed him.


12.29am. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I have no idea what I am doing. Where am I going in life? What will be be doing next year? Or the year after that. So many questions with so many possible answers. I was so sure of what I wanted. For four years I was certain, but in the last 5 weeks, it feels as if something has changed. 


12.33am. Legacy. It's all about legacy. That's what I've been told. It seems some will leave a great mark on the world, some already have, but others will just the eyes that walk through the gallery. 


12.39am. Tom Hiddleston. I would be lying if I said I wasn't obsessed with the man. He has no idea who I am. I am just another fan, just another face in the crowd of this crazy world. I wish to met him one day. Express my fondness of his inspiring humble attitude towards life.


12.50am. Dan. You might not know this, but I wrote a song about/for you a while ago, this one. But know, it has no attachment.


12.58am. The school ball is coming up. I have a dress. I have the shoes. I have the accessories. I know the hairstyle. I have a date. A friend. I am looking forward to it.


1.02am. Confession. I do like to wear dresses, but I like pants better. But I like to keep them for special occasions. Balls/Proms. Formal gatherings. Weddings. I want to make them special. Like a first kiss. I wanted my first kiss to be with my husband. On our wedding day. 


1.07am. What if I had some idea of love in my head, and it's just totally wrong?


1.15am. I miss you.

You will probably never read this...

Dear Mr Hiddleston,

This will probably be just another crazy fan letter, but if you can find the time, I would love for you to read on.

I wish to tell you a bit about myself.

My name is Rachel. Originally it was Joshua, for my parents believed I was to be a boy, and as it turned out, they were wrong. I was born in the USA, but have been raised in a little country of New Zealand (10 points if you know where that is).

I am just like everyone else, yet different at the same time, well, at least, I like to think I am.

There is nothing extra ordinary about me: I’m neither a famous celebrity, nor a world record holder, nor am I working towards finding the cure for cancer. No, I am just another face in the crowd of billions, trying to leave my legacy for generations to come.

 I enjoying making others happy, and sharing my love of music, performing, and baking with those around me.

Now for the crazy fan part...

There are so many questions I wish to ask, and I’m sorry that you’ve probably heard this all before.

Why did you decide to get into acting?

And how did you start?

If you weren’t acting, what would you like to be doing?

Do you ever think you will come to New Zealand?

And what is your favourite cup cake flavour?

I’ll stop there. I could go on for a while, but you are a busy man, and I do not expect you to answer any of these.

For the past 15 weeks I have been ill with some unknown illness, constant headaches and nausea. It is not very pleasant, but I seem to be pulling through, but not on my own. I am lucky enough to have some of the world’s most supportive friends. One in particular, shares me obsession (there’s no denying it) with The Avengers, and is an amazing artist, and uses her gift to make encouraging messages telling me to get better soon.

More crazy fan mail: Another thing that has seen me through these past 15 weeks has actually been your smile. It is the most contagious smile I know. I can’t help but smile myself when I see it. It is truly beautiful.

Again, I apologise for this. Undoubtedly you’ve heard this many times before.  

I am also a fairly new tumblr fan, and one of the blogs (I think that’s what they are called) is one by the name of Hiddlesquotes, and as it implies by the name, it is a blog that posts your quotes.

Some of them are beyond doubt the funniest and the most inspirational words of wisdom I have ever read.

Without even knowing, you seem to brighten up my day, and I wish to thank you for that.

The chances of me ever getting to meet you are very slim, but you never know what the future holds.

I don’t expect you to reply, but if you could find the time, well, I wouldn’t complain at all.

I just felt the need to let you know.

Kind regards,

Rachel.

Shake It Out

Life is like the ocean
It can be rough and make you sick
and other times it can be a calm drift
It can fill your heart with fear and excitement
joy and stillness
It is wild and unpredictable
it can't be controlled
It has the power to end
and the power to create
It is home to killers and dangers
and to some of the world's treasures
It can carry you from where you want to be
or take you to a paradise
Sometimes we see a wave in the horizone and start to run
but when it reaches us we find that there was nothing to be afraid of
But it can also knock us off our feet
catch us by surprise
Leave us out of breath and energy
wishing we could surface before we drown
It holds memories or both good times
and bad
It is inspiring
devastating
BEAUTIFUL

Over It

The headache's back after being gone for just two days. 4 visits to the doctor in a month. She wrote a referral to neurologist. A week later we get a letter from the hospital saying "the specialist has assessed the information provided and has prioritised your referral as URGENT," and to be honest, this freaks me out. Those bold letters screamed at me "URGENT."
Its not meant to be urgent, only minor.

Have you ever imagined what you would do if you were told you were going to dye soon? I have. I'll also admit to imagining how people would react to something like that. What if I am actually dying from some illness? Would I tell anyone about? I couldn't stand the thought of my friends worrying, or being bombarded with mushy sympathy lines. One of the reasons I kept my dad's heart ops a secret from my school friends until it was to unbearable to handle on my own. But then again, would I milk the sympathy thing? Use it to my advantage? Probably not. If anything, I would keep my mouth shut (like I normally do).

I'm not good with telling people how I feel, unless its happy. I could go on forever about being happy. It makes other people happy, and that's what I want.

But my music is sad/serious. Its me actually expressing how I feel. I guess that's why I'm hurt when people don't listen, especially the ones who say that I can tell them anything. If that were true, then you wouldn't talk over the top of me, or walk out of the room because "it's another sad song." You wanted me to tell you how I was feeling, but you threw it in my face when I listened to you?

I don't belong.

I'm scared, not that I let people know, but I am. I'm scared to be seen as weak, like I need help. I do need help though. I know for a fact I can't go through life on my own. But that's where God comes in.

Gosh, I really am no good at this.

I am dying. So are you. Each and everyday we are dying. To quote one of my favourite songs by Jon Foreman:

"All along I thought 
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really 
I've been learning how to die"

If you were to dye today,

would you be ready?

Better Life

Its hard to believe sometimes, that it's been 3 years already. I still remember it so clearly: The feeling of uncertainty as we pulled up into the dark car park, unsure if we could find our way out in the field. Clutching onto our pages as we made our way to the gate. Hearing the familiar voice of my cousin yell out to us "over here" as I let out a sigh of relief knowing we were in the right place. Setting up tents by the dim light of torches, the cold slowly gnawing at my bones as air beds are placed inside, and a sense of accomplishment as the last bag is tucked away in the corner.
Then we all piled into the main building, screams and yells of excitement filled the room as the countdown begins. Nervousness sat in the pit of my stomach, not knowing what to expect. It was not at all what I thought I had signed up to do.

Ah, my first night of Easter Camp. I really must thank my cousin for inviting me, who would of known that for the next 3 years it would be the highlight of my year. But here I am, 4 camps later, and I still love it as much as I did back then, maybe even more so.

For this year, I decided I would write a blog post instead of a facebook status, simply because I would not be able to fit everything into a tiny update.

This years worship band was Soul Servant, who was actually one of the Sunday night acts last year, and boy did they do an amazing job! They played a mix of popular worship songs such as King of All Days - Hillsong United and Glorified - Parachute Band, as well as a few of their own songs. Although I was slightly disappointed they didn't play "my song" (Came to My Rescue - Hillsong United ), these guys have some serious talent, a passion for God, and some pretty sweet dance moves.

Sunday night was beautiful, seeing God work in so many lives. Enough said I think :D

I went nuts when I heard that one of my all time favourite artist, Strahan, was going to be playing at Easter Camp this year. My friends joked I was his, biggest fan, probably because I was able to sing along to every one of his songs he performed. I was beyond happy by the fact that I finally got to see him perform live, and not on a live video feed on the internet. He has such an amazing voice ^.^ I also got to meet him! And he recognised who I was from facebook and twitter. He also signed James (my ukulele).

By they way, if you hadn't already heard, I renamed James to James. Sounds weird, some may be a bit confused by this, but James (the uke) was named after a James that I met at my second Easter Camp, but another James I know (also from Easter Camp) convinced me to rename him James, so I did.

Oh, James and I entered in the talent contest, performing an original song "Paper Hearts Burn Easily", and I think it went really well. I didn't win, but I really don't care. I got the chance to perform one of my own songs, without mucking up, and that's all I really wanted.

Now at the start we were asked what we wanted to get out of the weekend, and for me that was healing and clarity. I'm half way there with the healing (after 4 weeks, the headache is finally gone!!! Now to just get rid of the nausea...), but I think I am more confused now then I was before. Confused about what?? I am a teenage girl, who is in her last year of high school... I think you can guess what confuses me, and if not, then oh well.

I made heaps of amazing friends, and got to see some old ones too. Gosh I'm gonna miss you guys (if there are any of you actually reading this)... There is the very high chance that this year was my last. And I will admit that when I got home, I started to cry. Easter Camp has been a huge part of my life, and so has the many amazing people I have met there. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want it to end, "but all good things must come to an end" apparently.

"I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
I'm gonna miss you"

Falling Slowly

Life doesn't seem to be going my way lately. It started with one little thing, then set of a chain reaction.
Feels sick > Time off School > Teachers get mad and request a doctors note > Go to the doctors for said note > Turns out I have a kidney infection > More time off school > Other teachers get mad > Fall behind in all my classes > Teachers get mad > I get stressed > Feels even more sick.

It. Sucks.

It started just over two weeks ago, the same night I was "dumped." Funny that.
Although you cant really call it being dumped, that implies that we were going out, which we weren't. Just two friends who liked each other just a bit more then friends.

I'm still deciding if I write what happened, or if it stays just another secret of mine. Its not that I'm afraid to say it, I just don't want to be spreading a story that wasn't meant to be shared on the internet. But I will tell you this:
For once, he actually goes to my school (for now).

Shout out to Jaws :P
To be honest, I have been dying to catch up with you again. I haven't had a DM like that in ages!!! And I am super keen to have another, and soon!
There has been a lot going on in my life, and a lot that I want to tell/talk to you about, and as much as I love my friends at school, I'd like to talk to someone about it all without them saying "I told you so" or "Can I punch him, please??"

Also, I've been itching to share some of my new songs with someone, and who better then a fellow song writer?

Which reminds me, I've finished the song "Run Home"
Carrying on from where I left off here:


"Was I just another bump in the road,
Just another problem of yours?


Darling dear, don't you ever be afraid of what you've done,
It will come back to haunt you.


Leave me just the way you found me,
Alone in the dark.


Run home to where you feel safe.
Run to your hiding place."


-Sighs-


I always knew I was going to end up hurt
I just didn't think it would be like this
Not like this

Carousel

It's been a while since I've actually written a full length post, and now I have a few more readers since sharing the link on my facebook page.

So to start things off, some new lyrics I've been working on:

Run Home
Take a deep breath
Then let it out slow
Try to keep calm
Don't let it show


I'm gonna miss you, when you're gone
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you
But I will be fine. don't worry about me
I will be fine


Everyone gets the chance to say goodbye
But you and I never got the chance to say hello


And that's all I have so far for that one.

Ryan was right, I really do suck at writing happy songs, unless they are silly songs.
Most of my songs are serious and not happy, but they come from personal experiences, deep emotions and all that other cliché song writer stuff. Now I'm not saying that I don't have any happy moments to sing about, because I can express those emotions is a different way, and for those of you who know me, I struggle with telling people I am upset or hurt, and as they say, when words fail, music speaks. Different moments in my life that have upset me usually end up with a song written about them, some even get 2 or more, ie Josh has 5 songs so far.

Gosh, it's been over a year and it still haunts me. It's not as bad as it was, but at Parachute I was on edge the whole time, worried he might come to the info desk while I was working, but I never saw him. In fact, I don't even know if he was there at all that weekend. I'll never know, but I don't quite know how I would of reacted  if I did see him.

My life seems to be spinning, going through the same or similar cycle over and over again: I feel alone; my life feels like novel, like its not real; I feel like I don't belong, people around me are very hostile towards me; I get stressed out, but try to always have smile on my face.
Focusing on the good things.
But something always gets me.
Tips the scales.
Breaks me.

I keep going in circles, but each time holds a new challenge, new consequences, new solutions and outcomes. It does make for an interesting life, but I am starting to see patterns emerging in a number of places in my life.

Or maybe I'm just over thinking.

I'm always over thinking.

It's just part of who I am.

I'm me.

<3

Like Crazy

I'm gonna miss you
more then you will ever know

Some days

There are some days, where I feel like giving up.

And other days when I feel like everything might actually work out for me.

Today was not a day where I felt as if I was on top of the world.

Rather, I was just another face in the crowd.

Someone you would walk past if we saw each other on the street.

And you would not even say hi.

I do not want to be invisible.

But I'm just 'That Girl' or 'Her' to you.

Just average. 

Just no one.

just me

The First

Valentines Day (or Singles Awareness Day as I like to call it) is coming up, and it seems everywhere I look, I get reminded about it. Something tells me that I probably be on the S.A.D end of things.. In past years it has been that way. In fact, last year was the first time I had received a valentines. It was a card (well, a pity card really) from my friend Sean about 3 days after the 14th. He wrote in it saying that he felt bad that I had never had a valentines before, and wrote a short poem about how we are just friends. It made me smile, but I did kind of hope my first would be a "real" valentines, not that I'm really one for the romantic mushy stuff, but it would still me nice. I think last year was the worst, I took Harry (my teddy, for those who dont know) with me to school so I wouldn't feel so left out, but even he had a valentines. My english teacher had her teddy, and so they sat together at the front of the class holding hands. EVEN THE TEDDY BEAR HAD A VALENTINES!!! I MEAN, COME ON!!! I also found out my (beautiful) cousin Tania, had received a rose from our friend in Auckland. I thought it was sweet, but I will be honest, I also felt pretty stink (not that I let it show). Its almost like I have some sort of guy repellent, but I know that's not 100% true (one of my friends asked me out about 20 minutes ago (Awkward is what comes to mind)). I do have a bad habit of pushing people away when they get too close. I will say I'm close to a lot of people, but I will only let them get so close. Probably the closest people to me are Katie, Tania and Dan (Oh and of course Jesus).
It actually scares me to have them that close, but something keep's tell me that that's the way it should be right now.
DFTBA
Peace!
God Bless

I wish you knew just how much you mean to me

If there is one thing I regret, it would be not telling you* how much I love you

* you is not directed at just one person