"I can't help but close my eyes for life
And dream a different ending
When I wake, I won't be so exhausted
And I will stop with my pretending
That I'm fine, I'm fine if I can fool myself tonight
And my lie will drown out all of yours
And I told you, I told you, you had no right
How damaged you must be
Watch you panic, it's tragic, you'll carry this for life
You have my sympathy
You're only a memory
This isn't my identity"
Have you ever found a song that seems to describe you/your life/how you feel almost perfectly? I have a few, the main one being "This is a Call" - Thousand Foot Krutch, and another one which I have just discovered is "Only a Memory" - Icon for Hire.
Tomorrow my youth group has planned a trip down to Wellington to see Parachute Band: Love Without Measure Tour (yay! and not so yay...)
Why not so yay? Because the venue is The Rock Church, which just so happens to be the church that Josh attends. It was actually at the Mumsdollar Farewell concert at his church that I first saw him (and possibly tripped him up while he was taking pictures, not on purpose though). I fear he may be there, and that I might see him or he might see me. Then I think, so what if I see him/he sees me! I doubt he would even recognise me. But I'm still scared. I'm scared that if I saw him, I would just break down.
It's funny though, kind of ironic too, it was at the last Parachute Band: Love Without Measure Tour that I finally brought myself to forgive him. It was then when I realised that I didn't want what happened to control my life, "this isn't my identity" "You're only a memory"
So here's to a brighter future and better memories. To good friends and good times. And to an amazing God! I would be nothing without Him.
PEACE OUT!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
We've Got A New Camera
So we have this fancy new camera that everyone wants to take pictures with.
Me and Harry. My beloved bear that was given to me as a birthday present last year. He has two sisters and one brother. In order, it goes Harry - brown (as you can see), Harvey - blue, Holly - white and Harriet - pink. But Harry is the original. I've taken him to all my exams this year. I'm not allowed to have him with me while I sit the exam, but he sits at the front of the hall and just stares at people. I haven't had any complaints about him putting people off yet, so he still comes in with me.
If I ever lost Harry, I think a part of me would die inside. I have a very strong... what's the word... connection? Well something like that.
He's almost like a symbol of my childhood. This may sound a bit crazy, and you may think "You're still a kid now" which I am. But last year something happened. I had a "thing" (not really sure what else to call it, I liked him, he liked me (I think) but we weren't "going out" but we txted/emailed/facebooked all the time) with a guy in Wellington. I seem to have a thing for guys who don't live in the same town as me. Anyway, the Wellington part is not really the shocking part of this story. No, the "shocking" part is the fact that this guy was 7 years older than me. When I first met him, I thought he was 18, he thought I was 18, but turns out I was only 15 and he, 22. To me, its not really a big deal, I even told my parents about him, so I wasn't hiding it from them. It ended tragically for me, but lets not go into that.
The age difference never really bothered me, but there was an issue that did bother me.
The fact that I was still seen as a kid in most peoples eyes, I was scared he might treat me like a kid, so I forced myself to "grow-up" for him. I avoided talking about anything that could remind him that I was still young, and it worked for the most part.
I became this mature, adult like 15 year old, which in some ways is good, but in others, not so much.
I feel like I have lost some of my childhood, and having Harry helps me feel like the kid I still am.
I had fun with some lemon juice and a candle. I wrote/drew/painted random things on an A4 piece of paper. Random things such as: some of my best friends names. The name of this blog. The name of my failing band. Bible verses. A pretty butterfly and loveheart.
And this is the colour I have to dye my hair, only problem is that it could be too bright for school. I know the colour looks pretty close to the one of Hayley Williams, but my colour is actually a lot brighter than it shows in the picture. I might do a bit of testing over the weekend to see if I can get it to be not so bright.
Something that made me smile at the PJ and board game night at youthgroup. Hope it makes you smile too :)
If I ever lost Harry, I think a part of me would die inside. I have a very strong... what's the word... connection? Well something like that.
He's almost like a symbol of my childhood. This may sound a bit crazy, and you may think "You're still a kid now" which I am. But last year something happened. I had a "thing" (not really sure what else to call it, I liked him, he liked me (I think) but we weren't "going out" but we txted/emailed/facebooked all the time) with a guy in Wellington. I seem to have a thing for guys who don't live in the same town as me. Anyway, the Wellington part is not really the shocking part of this story. No, the "shocking" part is the fact that this guy was 7 years older than me. When I first met him, I thought he was 18, he thought I was 18, but turns out I was only 15 and he, 22. To me, its not really a big deal, I even told my parents about him, so I wasn't hiding it from them. It ended tragically for me, but lets not go into that.
The age difference never really bothered me, but there was an issue that did bother me.
The fact that I was still seen as a kid in most peoples eyes, I was scared he might treat me like a kid, so I forced myself to "grow-up" for him. I avoided talking about anything that could remind him that I was still young, and it worked for the most part.
I became this mature, adult like 15 year old, which in some ways is good, but in others, not so much.
I feel like I have lost some of my childhood, and having Harry helps me feel like the kid I still am.
I'm wanting to dye my hair something like this, a kind of orange/brown.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Paper Hearts Burn Easily
Am I invisible to you/ do you see me standing here/ 'cause all I'm asking for is a chance
And if you saw the signs/ would you start to run away/ so you wouldn't get tangled up
In this mess/ I've got myself into/ can't find my way out
I'm holding out for a hero/ just wondered if you'd be willing/ to give it a try
I locked my heart away/ built walls up around it/ tried to keep it safe
But somewhere along the way/ I ended up locking myself/ out from the world
I need to know/ are you willing to save me/ if I start to lose control
And I want you to know/ you were the first one I let get to close/ in so long
I need a hero/ someone to hold my hand so I don't
Drown/ in my own fears and doubts/ will I ever make it out
Make it out/ make it out/ make it out
Cause I need/ a hero/ someone to save me from/ myself.
(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011
And if you saw the signs/ would you start to run away/ so you wouldn't get tangled up
In this mess/ I've got myself into/ can't find my way out
I'm holding out for a hero/ just wondered if you'd be willing/ to give it a try
I locked my heart away/ built walls up around it/ tried to keep it safe
But somewhere along the way/ I ended up locking myself/ out from the world
I need to know/ are you willing to save me/ if I start to lose control
And I want you to know/ you were the first one I let get to close/ in so long
I need a hero/ someone to hold my hand so I don't
Drown/ in my own fears and doubts/ will I ever make it out
Make it out/ make it out/ make it out
Cause I need/ a hero/ someone to save me from/ myself.
(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I want to run away
Now don't freak out! I don't plan on running away from home or school or anything like that. That is not what I mean.
It would be more like a break, a holiday, after a stressful life.
A road trip with friends, just because we can.
I've done it before, last summer.
There were five of us: me, Ainsley, Jacob, Phil and Ashley.
No parents, no one over the age of 18.
Ainsley had called earlier that morning, asked if I wanted to go to the beach, of course I said yes.
We left for the beach 2 hours after that phone call.
We walked around in the dunes for a bit, talked about life.
I already knew Jacob and Phil, but this was my first time meeting Ashley.
I asked him a few things about himself; how he knew Jacob; what school he went to; his favourite colour... things of that nature.
He was shy, so I carried most of the conversation.
We wandered down to the shore line, taking of my jandles, I started to walk in the shallow water.
It was a sunny day. The boys sat down on some driftwood while me and Ainsley stayed by the water.
As we walked, we talked, then I decided I wanted to go for a swim.
Without saying a word, I took off running for the deeper water.
As a wave comes towards me, I dive hands first.
I stay submerged for a bit, then surface.
I hear Ainsley call out asking if I was alright.
I guess my dive looked more like I had tripped.
With a great big grin on my face I scream for her to come in.
She is hesitant, but finally come charging in after me.
We see the boys looking at us like we are mad, but they soon follow.
An hour goes by, so we decide to head back to the driftwood.
We talk some more, about deep, meaningful things.
I end up burying Ashley in sand, but he doesn't care.
We sit there in the sun for a few hours.
Ainsley makes a remark about how hot I look with my tan skin, knee length boardshorts, and tank top over my togs.
She then says she jealous of my skin 'cause she only burns in the sun.
I just smile, laugh, say thanks, and tell her she is beautiful, even if her skin turns pink during the summer.
At five we decide its time to go home.
But instead of going home, we head back into Palmy.
Still sandy and slightly wet from the sea.
We get fish 'n' chips and go back to Phil's house to watch a movie.
This wasn't the original plan, but I don't think there ever was a plan.
We talk some more before Ainsley's dad comes to pick us up.
As he takes us back to my place he asks if I want to go to Wellington tomorrow.
Again I say yes. I get home and pack in 6 minutes.
I tell my parents goodbye, that I'll see them when I get back, and that I love them.
I stayed the night at Ainsley's. We were on the road by half past five in the morning.
We walked along the waterfront, walked into the city center.
Finally we settled on a beach down the far end of the waterfront.
We didn't have money, but we had a camera.
All throughout the day we took photos of ourselves.
We didn't do much, but we had fun.
The two most spontaneous days of my life.
I felt young.
I felt free.
I felt the pleasure of leaving.
I had run away.
And returned with great memories.
I want to run away.
It would be more like a break, a holiday, after a stressful life.
A road trip with friends, just because we can.
I've done it before, last summer.
There were five of us: me, Ainsley, Jacob, Phil and Ashley.
No parents, no one over the age of 18.
Ainsley had called earlier that morning, asked if I wanted to go to the beach, of course I said yes.
We left for the beach 2 hours after that phone call.
We walked around in the dunes for a bit, talked about life.
I already knew Jacob and Phil, but this was my first time meeting Ashley.
I asked him a few things about himself; how he knew Jacob; what school he went to; his favourite colour... things of that nature.
He was shy, so I carried most of the conversation.
We wandered down to the shore line, taking of my jandles, I started to walk in the shallow water.
It was a sunny day. The boys sat down on some driftwood while me and Ainsley stayed by the water.
As we walked, we talked, then I decided I wanted to go for a swim.
Without saying a word, I took off running for the deeper water.
As a wave comes towards me, I dive hands first.
I stay submerged for a bit, then surface.
I hear Ainsley call out asking if I was alright.
I guess my dive looked more like I had tripped.
With a great big grin on my face I scream for her to come in.
She is hesitant, but finally come charging in after me.
We see the boys looking at us like we are mad, but they soon follow.
An hour goes by, so we decide to head back to the driftwood.
We talk some more, about deep, meaningful things.
I end up burying Ashley in sand, but he doesn't care.
We sit there in the sun for a few hours.
Ainsley makes a remark about how hot I look with my tan skin, knee length boardshorts, and tank top over my togs.
She then says she jealous of my skin 'cause she only burns in the sun.
I just smile, laugh, say thanks, and tell her she is beautiful, even if her skin turns pink during the summer.
At five we decide its time to go home.
But instead of going home, we head back into Palmy.
Still sandy and slightly wet from the sea.
We get fish 'n' chips and go back to Phil's house to watch a movie.
This wasn't the original plan, but I don't think there ever was a plan.
We talk some more before Ainsley's dad comes to pick us up.
As he takes us back to my place he asks if I want to go to Wellington tomorrow.
Again I say yes. I get home and pack in 6 minutes.
I tell my parents goodbye, that I'll see them when I get back, and that I love them.
I stayed the night at Ainsley's. We were on the road by half past five in the morning.
We walked along the waterfront, walked into the city center.
Finally we settled on a beach down the far end of the waterfront.
We didn't have money, but we had a camera.
All throughout the day we took photos of ourselves.
We didn't do much, but we had fun.
The two most spontaneous days of my life.
I felt young.
I felt free.
I felt the pleasure of leaving.
I had run away.
And returned with great memories.
I want to run away.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Andy's Opening Thoughts
This is a little something my friend Andy wrote and read out at youth group last week, and I just thought it was so cool! So I thought I would share it with you (whoever you is). These are his words, not mine.
Okay, lets set the mood here:
3:30am, its VERY dark. The moon is lighting the whole sky and also were I can see. I am tired, have just seen my mum, am full of Limewire (for a change) and garlic bread. Listening to my music on my laptop (also for a change) I am happy. So! I decide to look to the sky, out of the corner of my eye I spot a shooting star. As soon as I see it I think "WHOOOH WISH TIME!" So, upon thinking that I quickly make a wish. I open my eyes, adjust my bicycle so I'm NOT in the gutter and center everything. I ponder on the wish I made for a moment and then selfishly, I close my eyes again and start thinking a single thought that goes like this:
"Dear Lord, please make the next song Shooting Stars"
Now! Please don't kill me yet, I know it was slefish and something you don't really ask the almighty Lord, but my wish was selfless, so NYEAH!
So, at the time I had 1945 songs in my playlist. So! The chances of a single song playing was... well... pretty to use a space pun, ASTRONOMICAL! Knowing this I kinda shrugged it off thinking it would never happen. After a bit of Bass Hunter, I found myself waiting eagerly for the result. Stars or Naah's? The Shoting Stars I had wanted was this (Plays snipet of Shooting Stars - Bag Raiders) this, however, is what I got instead (plays snipet of Airplanes - B.O.B ft Hayley Williams)
Now! You may think this proves nothing right? Or maybe you're thinking "Andy, is there a point to this?" Well lads and female-lads, there is! I listened to Airplanes and felt so happy. It wasn't the song I wanted, but it felt like out of the 1945 songs that COULD have played, this one was very close to what I wanted. To put it bluntly, I felt as if God listened and was riding that ride with me. He had heard my prayer, but answered it differently.
AND NOW TO MY POINT!!! I felt God had heard my prayer but answered it differently, yet He still had my best interests in mind. Which I feel brought me to this point nicely; GOD ALWAYS LISTENS! And although He may see like he doesn't answer your prayers, He does. He listens, and He answers, but in His own time and not ours, it may not even be exactly what you wanted. But He has heard and He has answered. He has our interests at heart and mind. Heck! He sent his only son to die for our sins, so He MUST like us a-freakin-lot right? So! If your prayers feel like they go by unheard...
Do not fret! They are with The Lord himself, he doesn't have an office lady who deals with those matters, he does them PERSONALLY. Do not fret I say! For The Lord works in mysterious ways, your prayers will be answered, be they answered word for word, or in The Lords on sly little way. Do not fret my friends!
Okay, lets set the mood here:
3:30am, its VERY dark. The moon is lighting the whole sky and also were I can see. I am tired, have just seen my mum, am full of Limewire (for a change) and garlic bread. Listening to my music on my laptop (also for a change) I am happy. So! I decide to look to the sky, out of the corner of my eye I spot a shooting star. As soon as I see it I think "WHOOOH WISH TIME!" So, upon thinking that I quickly make a wish. I open my eyes, adjust my bicycle so I'm NOT in the gutter and center everything. I ponder on the wish I made for a moment and then selfishly, I close my eyes again and start thinking a single thought that goes like this:
"Dear Lord, please make the next song Shooting Stars"
Now! Please don't kill me yet, I know it was slefish and something you don't really ask the almighty Lord, but my wish was selfless, so NYEAH!
So, at the time I had 1945 songs in my playlist. So! The chances of a single song playing was... well... pretty to use a space pun, ASTRONOMICAL! Knowing this I kinda shrugged it off thinking it would never happen. After a bit of Bass Hunter, I found myself waiting eagerly for the result. Stars or Naah's? The Shoting Stars I had wanted was this (Plays snipet of Shooting Stars - Bag Raiders) this, however, is what I got instead (plays snipet of Airplanes - B.O.B ft Hayley Williams)
Now! You may think this proves nothing right? Or maybe you're thinking "Andy, is there a point to this?" Well lads and female-lads, there is! I listened to Airplanes and felt so happy. It wasn't the song I wanted, but it felt like out of the 1945 songs that COULD have played, this one was very close to what I wanted. To put it bluntly, I felt as if God listened and was riding that ride with me. He had heard my prayer, but answered it differently.
AND NOW TO MY POINT!!! I felt God had heard my prayer but answered it differently, yet He still had my best interests in mind. Which I feel brought me to this point nicely; GOD ALWAYS LISTENS! And although He may see like he doesn't answer your prayers, He does. He listens, and He answers, but in His own time and not ours, it may not even be exactly what you wanted. But He has heard and He has answered. He has our interests at heart and mind. Heck! He sent his only son to die for our sins, so He MUST like us a-freakin-lot right? So! If your prayers feel like they go by unheard...
Do not fret! They are with The Lord himself, he doesn't have an office lady who deals with those matters, he does them PERSONALLY. Do not fret I say! For The Lord works in mysterious ways, your prayers will be answered, be they answered word for word, or in The Lords on sly little way. Do not fret my friends!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Everything
Just the other day my boyfriend posted a youtube video on my facebook wall
The song was Michael Buble - Everything
But thats not exactly what this post is about.
This post is based on a song, and that song is called everything, but its not by Mr Buble.
The song I'm talking about is this one here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSwCOs-uXzU
Lifehouse - everything.
I first heard this song 3 years ago at my first easter camp, and since then I have rediscovered it earlier this year. As I have found on youtube, it has been done quite a few times, but I like this version the best.
1) because I love the white suit and red and black shoes and 2) because of 5.05 (roughly around there) where the girl is at the feet of the Lord and He takes of his coat and puts it on her.
It reminded me of one of my first God encounters, at my first easter camp three years ago.
It was the Sunday night, and Sunday night at easter camp is known for its tear jerking capeabilities, but as much as I felt like crying, I couldn't. For so long I knew there was something wrong, but I could never put my fingure on it. I stood at the front of the stage, people in groups and pairs crying, hugging, praying together. It was at that moment that I began to feel alone. Surrounded by hundreds of friendly faces, yet I was alone. But not just there, but at school too, with my friends. It was also at that moment that I felt a hand rest upon my shoulder, I turned to see who was there and I saw no one, the closest people to me were two girls about 2 meters away from me. I began to cry. I was not alone, I had God by my side and that was never going to change. As I walked out of the meeting area, I noticed that my breath fogged in the cold night air, yet I didn't feel cold. I felt like someone had wrapped a warm blanket around me, I felt warm and safe.
"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where
I find peace again"
The second thing it reminded me of is this: about 3 months ago a friend of mine asked me during english "were you truely happy before you had a boyfriend? Or are you truely happy with one?"
My reply was this : "I was truely happy without a boyfriend, but being in a relationship with him just makes me that bit happier," her reply was a short pause and an "okay" before she went back to work.
In one of our d'n'ms (deep and meaningful conversations) me and my cousin talked about relationships. I brought up this question which was asked, and told him my response. His reply was similar to that of my friends, but with a slight difference. It started with a slight pause, but instead of an "okay" he said "that is the right answer."
I must admit it felt nice to be told I said the right thing, I haven't always been so great with words in the past. But even if he hadn't told me that, I still believe it is the right answer.
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"
When I'm told "I love you more than anything" the honest reply is that the same can not be said for me.
My heart will always belong to the Lord. Because "You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?" "You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting. You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose...you're everything""Cause you're all I want, You're all I need. You're everything, everything"
The song was Michael Buble - Everything
But thats not exactly what this post is about.
This post is based on a song, and that song is called everything, but its not by Mr Buble.
The song I'm talking about is this one here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSwCOs-uXzU
Lifehouse - everything.
I first heard this song 3 years ago at my first easter camp, and since then I have rediscovered it earlier this year. As I have found on youtube, it has been done quite a few times, but I like this version the best.
1) because I love the white suit and red and black shoes and 2) because of 5.05 (roughly around there) where the girl is at the feet of the Lord and He takes of his coat and puts it on her.
It reminded me of one of my first God encounters, at my first easter camp three years ago.
It was the Sunday night, and Sunday night at easter camp is known for its tear jerking capeabilities, but as much as I felt like crying, I couldn't. For so long I knew there was something wrong, but I could never put my fingure on it. I stood at the front of the stage, people in groups and pairs crying, hugging, praying together. It was at that moment that I began to feel alone. Surrounded by hundreds of friendly faces, yet I was alone. But not just there, but at school too, with my friends. It was also at that moment that I felt a hand rest upon my shoulder, I turned to see who was there and I saw no one, the closest people to me were two girls about 2 meters away from me. I began to cry. I was not alone, I had God by my side and that was never going to change. As I walked out of the meeting area, I noticed that my breath fogged in the cold night air, yet I didn't feel cold. I felt like someone had wrapped a warm blanket around me, I felt warm and safe.
"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where
I find peace again"
The second thing it reminded me of is this: about 3 months ago a friend of mine asked me during english "were you truely happy before you had a boyfriend? Or are you truely happy with one?"
My reply was this : "I was truely happy without a boyfriend, but being in a relationship with him just makes me that bit happier," her reply was a short pause and an "okay" before she went back to work.
In one of our d'n'ms (deep and meaningful conversations) me and my cousin talked about relationships. I brought up this question which was asked, and told him my response. His reply was similar to that of my friends, but with a slight difference. It started with a slight pause, but instead of an "okay" he said "that is the right answer."
I must admit it felt nice to be told I said the right thing, I haven't always been so great with words in the past. But even if he hadn't told me that, I still believe it is the right answer.
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"
When I'm told "I love you more than anything" the honest reply is that the same can not be said for me.
My heart will always belong to the Lord. Because "You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?" "You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting. You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose...you're everything""Cause you're all I want, You're all I need. You're everything, everything"
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