I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this

As I said in one of my earlier posts, I wrote and performed a song for assembly

So here it is, as requested :)

Also, I've finally decided on a name for my one man band

Theinvisiblesign

I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this

I’m taking things slow once again

Hearts that burn let go eventually

Things turn around for me

I finally see the beauty

In this world, from this angle

Upside down and incomplete

It’s like catching a rainbow

In your hands, when you’ve got cold feet

I could spend a life time

Denying the truth

Of the coldest part of your heart

The darkness folded through

Melting moments in your hands

Still frozen at the ends

The hardest part of giving up

Was trying so hard

When beauty is fleeting

All the butterflies are leaving

The shaken and confused

Hearts once broken, now glued

O, how time passes us by

Leaving only memories

O, how I wish you could stay

Just a little while longer dear

(c) Copyright Theinvisiblesign 2011

35 sleeps to go

My mother and my auntie raised a very semi-important topic today.
My birthday.
They asked if I had plans, if there was anything I wanted to do, and my mother informed me that once again, she will not be around on that day.
To answer the questions - Do I have have plans? Is there anything I want to do? The answer being no, I do not have plans and yes, there is something I would like to do.
With everything that is going on in my life at the moment (filming, camps, voice recording for a video game, planning the perfect night for my friends on the 6th of august) I have had hardly any time to think of how I should celebrate the 17th anniversary of the day I was born.
Should I spend it with heaps of friends, being showered with love and gifts, feeling like I am the most important thing in the world?
Well I am not the most important thing in the world, so there goes that part.
As for the rest? Well every year it has been the same, I am showered with gifts, spending time with friends and family (that part I adore), and having some sort of get together. All of which is rather nice, but at some point on that day, I will cry.
Until last year, the reason as to why I would cry were negative.
Last year was by far the best birthday I have had so far. For once I had everything I wanted. When I say everything I wanted, I don't mean gifts, money, blah blah blah... No. When I say everything I wanted I mean I was surrounded by people who loved and cared about me.
I was happy, content with where I was in life, and for those who knew (and there only a few) what I was going through at that time, this was a very big deal for me. I did end up crying at some point, but they were tears of joy.
One of the things that made last year the greatest, I believe, was the fact I had no high expectations what so ever about that day. I didn't care if had a tonne of presents given to me, if I had cake, or if my friends embarressed me infront the class by screaming out "IT'S RACHEL'S BIRTHDAY" followed by a very out of tune, out of time happy birthday song. I started the day with the expectation of being dissapointed yet again. But I wasn't.
I got everything I wanted.

Who I am hates who I've been

As of last Friday, this is my longest relationship. You could say I am comparing this relationship to my previous ones, but to me, I am comparing myself: Who I am now and who I used to be. A year ago I was a commitment foe (it has since changed). The idea of being “stuck” with one person scared me, even if it was in terms of dating. It took me a while to realise this though.

But each relationship has taught me something about myself. Who I am, what I want out of life and what I can give back.

In a way I was selfish. They asked for something that I wasn’t willing to give, yet I asked for something in return.

They say girls have sex for love, but me? I loved for love, if that makes any sense. I told them “I love you” so they would say it back, even if I didn’t love them.  All I ever wanted was to be loved, to feel special in someone’s eyes. Now I want to love someone. Now I do love someone.

It was never face to face those three words, and it soon lost its charm. I went through it over and over and over, never really learning from my mistakes, breaking hearts as I went on.

I’ve never been dumped, nor do I want to be. But I don’t want to break any more hearts. It is possible to break your own heart, I have. I forced my heart to love when it really didn’t. I guess that’s what drove me, what made me hold on for so long, I wanted to be loved. I never told him though.  9 months it took for me to convince myself I loved him, but a moment for my heart to break. When I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, I realised what I had done. Sure I was mad at him, but it was I who was to blame.

I do that a lot, blame myself. I am used to being blamed for when things go wrong, so it’s only natural that I would still take it.

That’s one thing that hasn’t really changed about me; I still take it all with ease.

Maybe, as I have grown up, the idea of being with someone has changed, I have changed. Who I am does not hate who I’ve been, but they are not that same.

"I wrote this blog but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this"

My mind is a constant swarm of thoughts, dreams, worries and ideas.
It hardly ever seems to stop. It jumps from one thing to another, and sometimes my thoughts flow.
Sometimes I over think, I worry too much. My mind wanders. It never seems to stop.

In completely unrelated news, I peformed in assembly today, a song titled "I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this"
As I sang, everyone was quiet,which scared me. They are usually quiet when they don't like something. As I finnished the song there was a pause. I swear my heart frooze at that point. Did they hate it? Moments passes, and then a roar of cheers and claps filled the hall.
Way to give a girl a heart attack!
For the rest of the day I had people coming up and telling me how great it was! All I could do was give a smile and say thanks...

My mind was in other places...

Falling In

I am a defender. In every sport I've ever played, I am always a defender. Protecting the goal, keeping it safe. This also applies to my heart. I am not a fighter, I defend. I work hard to keep it safe, keep it from anyone who gets to close. It's what I have learned to do, its all I really know. Building walls up to keep people out, and to keep myself in.

This has always been me, until now.

"This heart that I've followed Has left me so hollow. That was then, this is now, yeah you have changed everything"

Suddenly life seems brighter, clearer, better.

I have a fear of change, even if it is good change. Yes this is odd coming from the girl who changes her hair colour almost every month, but it still scares me. So letting someone get this close is a big change for me. Never have I been more afraid in my life.

"Now don't be scared, it's only love That we're falling in"

Beaten Angel

Today I got a call from my drama teacher. She told me the moderator had just sent her a text saying the script I wrote is actually worth a excellence instead of merit. I'm rather happy about that :) so i thought I would give you a little example of what I wrote. Enjoy!

Beaten Angel

Mum: Are you sure you’re alright?

Daughter (snappy): I said I’m fine

Mum (also snappy, but not as much): You don’t seem fine to me.

Daughter: Well I am.

Mum: And what about Jack?

Daughter: What about him?

Mum: How is he?

Daughter: He’s... (pause) ...good.

Mum: That’s good.

Pause. Daughter, slightly annoyed, starts to fiddle with heart locket around her neck.

Mum: I see you still wear that necklace of yours

Daughter: Of course I do, Jack gave this to me when we first met.

Mum: Ah yes, I remember that.

Pause

Mum: So where is he?

Daughter (toneless, looking down): I don’t know.

Mum: Is he still at the pub?

Daughter: He’s given up drinking.

Mum: You keep telling yourself that...

second go

I attempted making a blog last year, but it failed as I didn't actually post anything. Maybe this time will work out better? But if you are reading this, (out of boredom, if you happened to stumble upon it, or if I have the pleasure of being your friend and have begged you to read my blog) I apologise now for my horrible spelling and terrible grammar, and hope, despite the fact my english skills are rather poor, that you enjoy reading my second go at blogging :)