It's amazing how much can change in a year. I am not the same girl I was year ago. Maybe one day I will get enough courage to tell someone, or anyone the full story of what happened to me. I might be brave enough to post it here on this blog. It no longer hurts to think about what happened, and I'm not angry at him any more, but the secrets eat away at me, all because I keep it to myself. One of these days I'll tell you. It may take a while, but I promise I will tell you.
A few things that haven't changed is the fact that I still feel like an outsider with my friends. I love them dearly, but sometimes they don't really make me feel welcome, that I don't really belong with them. I know they don't mean to, but its how I feel.
This is me the night it happened
Take a look outside the window
There are places to go there are faces to see
And we'll make it
If we just leave
It's proven to be the hardest part of moving on
Accepting we were wrong
But we'll find that it's easier
Letting go, with one foot strong
I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
Take a look outside at the world
Everything now broken
Glass shattered and sprayed all around
Who knew these walls had windows
And I like to think that it was hard for you
To be so cold
But reality it tells me
That your ways are now old
I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
I've proven that the hardest part of moving on
Was being so cold
But I like to think the hardest part for you
was accepting you were wrong
I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
Through this night
(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Letters to people who will probably never read them
Thinking back to the past few years (mostly my high school years) I have noticed something: I have a lot of guys in my life. That doesn't seem like a big shock, well not for me anyway.
What I mean by this is that most of my mentor/ heroes/ people I look up to have all been male, and all older than myself.
So in this blog I would like to write a letter (although I doubt they will ever read this) to Ken, Dave, Mr Bell and Dan.
Dear Ken.
The year I had you as a youth leader was one of the best years for me, and one of the worst.
It was the year that I really started getting into my faith. The year I went through comfirmation. The year I had my first boyfriend, and my first break up. And all through this you were there to push me on.
You sparked this passion inside of me, I wanted to make a change in the world. And it all started with coffee. I fell in love with fairtrade that year. You introduced me to this world where things aren't always as they seem, and taught me it was ok to stand up and stand out from the crowd. This was the start of a new, confident me.
Thank you.
Dear Dave.
Although it was only 4 days, you made a huge impact on my life. You made me realise that I was worth something in God's eyes, and that made me feel some self worth. You may never know this, but it was because of this that I stopped my ways of self harm. And here you are, thinking you were stopping me from calling myself a loser.
Thank you.
Dear Mr Bell.
You are by far my favourite teacher, even if you don't actual teach me anymore. I always enjoy our talks during lunch, and it means so much to me that you are trying to help me out with my radio career. I still remember the day I came into class crying and you delivered a lolly through the toy squirrel I got for you. I never told you, but that little act of kindness was and still is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. You were one of the first teachers who actually believed in me, and you're quirky and caring personality is one of the things that has encouraged me to help others, and taught me that its ok to be different. If it wasn't for you, I honestly do think I wouldn't have made it through high school as far as I have in one piece.
Thank you so much.
Dear Dan
It's been a few years since I met you at parachute, and in total honesty, that was the highlight for me. You probably thought I was a weirdo, and I'm sorry for making you feel claustrophobic, and possibly creeping you out with the necklace, but there was something inside of me saying that you would be an important part of my life, and you are. I remember running into the house, turning on the computer and logging onto facebook in hope that you would be online (and I'll admit, I still do now). I love my friends, they are amazing, but there are times where I feel as if I don't belong. I felt lonely. But whenever I talked to you, those feelings would flee. It was reassuring to know that I had someone I could go to in a time of need. There are things I have told you, that no one else knows. Trust was and is something I struggle with, but I can truthfully say that I completely trust you. You are like a brother to me, and you are one of my best friends. I don't really mind if I'm not one of yours, because just being a friend means so much to me. I thank God everyday for giving me a friend as great as you. You have had a huge impact in my life. You are an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.
Thank you.
What I mean by this is that most of my mentor/ heroes/ people I look up to have all been male, and all older than myself.
So in this blog I would like to write a letter (although I doubt they will ever read this) to Ken, Dave, Mr Bell and Dan.
Dear Ken.
The year I had you as a youth leader was one of the best years for me, and one of the worst.
It was the year that I really started getting into my faith. The year I went through comfirmation. The year I had my first boyfriend, and my first break up. And all through this you were there to push me on.
You sparked this passion inside of me, I wanted to make a change in the world. And it all started with coffee. I fell in love with fairtrade that year. You introduced me to this world where things aren't always as they seem, and taught me it was ok to stand up and stand out from the crowd. This was the start of a new, confident me.
Thank you.
Dear Dave.
Although it was only 4 days, you made a huge impact on my life. You made me realise that I was worth something in God's eyes, and that made me feel some self worth. You may never know this, but it was because of this that I stopped my ways of self harm. And here you are, thinking you were stopping me from calling myself a loser.
Thank you.
Dear Mr Bell.
You are by far my favourite teacher, even if you don't actual teach me anymore. I always enjoy our talks during lunch, and it means so much to me that you are trying to help me out with my radio career. I still remember the day I came into class crying and you delivered a lolly through the toy squirrel I got for you. I never told you, but that little act of kindness was and still is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. You were one of the first teachers who actually believed in me, and you're quirky and caring personality is one of the things that has encouraged me to help others, and taught me that its ok to be different. If it wasn't for you, I honestly do think I wouldn't have made it through high school as far as I have in one piece.
Thank you so much.
Dear Dan
It's been a few years since I met you at parachute, and in total honesty, that was the highlight for me. You probably thought I was a weirdo, and I'm sorry for making you feel claustrophobic, and possibly creeping you out with the necklace, but there was something inside of me saying that you would be an important part of my life, and you are. I remember running into the house, turning on the computer and logging onto facebook in hope that you would be online (and I'll admit, I still do now). I love my friends, they are amazing, but there are times where I feel as if I don't belong. I felt lonely. But whenever I talked to you, those feelings would flee. It was reassuring to know that I had someone I could go to in a time of need. There are things I have told you, that no one else knows. Trust was and is something I struggle with, but I can truthfully say that I completely trust you. You are like a brother to me, and you are one of my best friends. I don't really mind if I'm not one of yours, because just being a friend means so much to me. I thank God everyday for giving me a friend as great as you. You have had a huge impact in my life. You are an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.
Thank you.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Cue Twilight Zone Opening Theme Music
The future. It can be a scary thing to think about. Some people don't want to talk about, others have their whole life planned. I am coming up to my final year at high school next year, and after that, I am free to do pretty much what ever I want.
What is it that I want to do? Well I have more of a list of things I would like to do at some point in my life, such as:
What is it that I want to do? Well I have more of a list of things I would like to do at some point in my life, such as:
- Become a school prefect.
- Bake and decorate a wedding cake for a friend
- Open up a Cafe and call it "Om Nom Nom"
- Travel around the world with my closest friends (see the seven wonders of the world etc...)
- Work in radio (preferably at Life FM)
- Perform at Parachute music festival
- Record an album or EP of my own original songs (it doesnt have to sell)
- Have a white Christmas
- Be a inspirational speaker at something like Easter Camp or Parachute
- go on mission trips
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Are his actions justifiable?
These past holidays I went to camp with my youth group. Unfortunately I spent most of that week with a bucket by my side due to having the flu, but thats not what this post is about.
A good friend of mine just had her heart broken by one of the guys at this camp.
I could start on a long rant about how cold and heartless he was, but when I stop and think about it, it was really never his intention to hurt her. Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
It's not like he decided "Hey, this girl likes me. Lets break her heart just for a bit of fun."
He is actually quite a nice guy when you get to know him, but he still lead her on for a year. That part I'm not very impressed with.
But it made me think. About what? About Josh. What about him? It made me think about what he did to me. 9 months of what now seems like leading me on, if he actually liked me or not is still a mystery, but frankly I don't actually care.
After all this time, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he (most likely) never ment to hurt me. The way he handled the situation really wasn't the best, but to tell the truth, most people would probably do the same thing. Run.
It makes me think about all the people who have hurt me. Most of them (probably) never intented to hurt me at all. They were nice people, still are, but their actions and words let them down.
We don't always think about what we are doing until its too late. I know I have done my fair share of damage in the past, and will probably do so in the future as well. Although I do aim to do better.
I accept the fact that people have and will hurt me, but realising that (one can assume) they never ment to hurt me makes things a bit easier for me to forgive.
A good friend of mine just had her heart broken by one of the guys at this camp.
I could start on a long rant about how cold and heartless he was, but when I stop and think about it, it was really never his intention to hurt her. Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
It's not like he decided "Hey, this girl likes me. Lets break her heart just for a bit of fun."
He is actually quite a nice guy when you get to know him, but he still lead her on for a year. That part I'm not very impressed with.
But it made me think. About what? About Josh. What about him? It made me think about what he did to me. 9 months of what now seems like leading me on, if he actually liked me or not is still a mystery, but frankly I don't actually care.
After all this time, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he (most likely) never ment to hurt me. The way he handled the situation really wasn't the best, but to tell the truth, most people would probably do the same thing. Run.
It makes me think about all the people who have hurt me. Most of them (probably) never intented to hurt me at all. They were nice people, still are, but their actions and words let them down.
We don't always think about what we are doing until its too late. I know I have done my fair share of damage in the past, and will probably do so in the future as well. Although I do aim to do better.
I accept the fact that people have and will hurt me, but realising that (one can assume) they never ment to hurt me makes things a bit easier for me to forgive.
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