Am I?

I don't want to be your dirty little secret.

Give Me Colour

give me colour

something bright and eye catching

that makes my heart scream

give me a map

with an arrow pointing to where i am

and where we are going

give me a sunset

followed by a starry night

and an open field to lay in

give me a dream

full of hopes and fears

then show me how to get to them

give me a sign

something to let me know what's going on

and what's changing

give me love

something so beautiful beyond compare

so different from the rest

give me the truth

not a white lie wrapped with a ribbon

it will only break me more

give me colour

something bright and eye catching

that makes my heart scream

give me colour

i like things.

i must admit that i stole this one from my friends blog
but i just thought it was a great idea

i like pouring rain and thunderstorms.
i like curling up by a fire place.
i like starry nights.
i like christmas lights.
i like loud music.
i like soft music.
i like music that plays my heart strings.
i like walks down the beach with my cousins.
i like walking in the rain.
i like dancing like an idiot.
i like chocolate cake.
i like making people smile.
i like making people laugh.
i like having a shoulder to cry on.
i like to lay down in the middle of an open space.
i like random conversations that dont seem to go anywhere.
i like deep, meaningful conversations that go on for hours.
i like city lights.
i like rainy nights.
i like bright colours.
i like beautiful pictures.
i like sing as if no one is listening.
i like standing out of a crowd.
i like being different.
i like being unique.
i like action movies.
i like camping with the family.
i like baking yummy treats for my friends.
i like maths.
i like reading a good book.
i like creating weird concepts for a simple drama script.
i like a warm bed on a cold winter night.
i like long showers.
i like the silence.
i like fair trade.
i like public speaking.
i like performing to a crowd.
i like knowing i made a difference in someones life.
i like going to youth group on a friday night.
i like screaming as loud as i can.

i like being told im beautiful...

Things are changing, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

"I may not be as pretty as her
Or as smart as her
Or as funny
Or as fun to be around
But... wait. I can see why you picked her over me"

Low self esteem, how I know you all to well.
At church this week, during the kids talk, the lady had a can.
There was nothing special about the can, besides the fact that it looked like it had been hit a few times with a bat, and scribbled all over with a vivid. But then the lady opened it, and inside was some of her gold and silver jewellery. She told the kids that even when people tell you you're worthless, beat you up, or bully you, you are still special in God's eyes. Wish someone had told me that years ago. Would of been nice to be called special when all my "friends" said otherwise.

I am currently in a lot of pain right now, having sprained both my ankles and now have a burnt knee from the kid on the bus. He decided it would be funny to see what would happen if he stabbed a pen that had been heated up with a lighter into my leg. It felt like someone had just stuck a 3 inch needle into my knee and then ripped it out.

Most of society says: seeing is believing.
If something is not there, then it simply isn't real to them. If they aren't crying, then they're not sad. They have smile on their face, so they must be happy. But these things are only skin deep. It is common knowledge that almost everyone wears a mask. There are a few people who don't, but I am one of the many who do. There are also a few people who can see past the mask, but most people can't. Or if they do, they do nothing about it. Lately my facebook status' have been a bit negative, and people are concerned... over facebook. I had someone ask me if I was alright (this was in person) and I just put on a smile and said I was great. To which they replied "Oh, great! I was worried for a second." Some people just don't seem to care enough to get the truth. But saying that, there are a few who do. Katie is one. She asked me how I was today in maths, and I said I was great, like I normally do. I don't think she bought it. She just stared at me til I told her the truth, which wan't that great, but I still said it with a smile.

When people are onto me, I start to panic. Its almost as if I don't want them to see the mess I really am. Maybe that's the reason I don't like eye contact, they might see the truth hidden in my eyes. For the most part, I hold myself together, but there are times (like now) when I start to lose control, and my life starts to fall apart.

I wrote a song today. The chorus goes like this:

"don't leave me in the dark
I'm lost enough as it is right now
don't give up on me just yet
I've still got a life in me"

I have an idea of what it might mean, but the things about my songs is the lyrics come from heart, and it takes me a while to know what they are talking about.

Maybe this will give you some idea of what's wrong with me, even though I don't fully know myself.

What's in my head at this very second

I was going through my pictures and found a folder dedicated to rain, so that's where the last post came from. I just wanted a reason to share those pictures with the world (although they did originally come from google).

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, well more then usual.
Is it normal to think about your motive behind every action, word and thought? It is for me. I question myself a lot about why I do things. I have done a few things were the motives behind them are... a bit interesting. Like when I was 14, I bought a 021 cell phone just to text a guy that I kinda liked (who I didn't actually end up doing a lot of and the phone was stolen after 5 months) or buying a t-shirt that they only sell in the USA and don't ship to NZ just because a guy I liked said he wanted it, or taking a trip down to Wellington and waiting in a cafe for 5 hours for a guy who said would be there, but never showed up... Thinking about it, most of my motives are because of guys I liked. Maybe its because I'm a teenage girl? Although I don't think I'm like many teenage girls.

I have finally figured out why I don't like being called Rach or Rachie... after much thinking, I realised that I don't know many tall Rachel's. I have always been on the short side of things, and people have always liked to remind me, giving me nicknames like shrimp and shorty. Now Rach and Rachie are both shortened versions of Rachel, and I hated being called short, or anything to do with it.

There is one thing that I wish I knew about me and Josh, was I a secret? Something he kept hidden and didn't tell anyone? Or did he tell some of his friends? Did he tell anyone? It bugs me, but I don't think I'll ever find out. I try not to think about it too much, but with the amount of thinking I do, its hard not to.

Sorry that this post is a bit everywhere, but that's what my mind is like.

Peace out!

Stand In The Rain - Superchick

She never slows down

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down 

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain


















She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down


















So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

  So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I seem to like a challenge

It’s a bit of an interesting situation actually. The guys I like are either older than me, live in a different town, or we are so close that I am afraid that if I tell them I like them, I will lose everything and right now, it’s all three of those things.

I've known him for a few years now, and I've kind of always had a little crush on him. To some of you, this is a real news flash because before now, the longest you have known that I've liked someone was 9 months. Yeah... sorry about that.

Anyway, it seems that over time this little crush aint so little anymore, and now it looks like I’m stuck in a very confusing situation. It seems I have two options, both have multiple outcomes.

·         I tell him now, he freaks out, things become awkward and I lose everything.

·         I wait another few years till I am of an acceptable age, tell him, and it ends the same way as the first bullet point.

·         I wait another few years till I am of an acceptable age, but by then he’s found someone else and I just keep my mouth shut and act like nothing is wrong.

·         I tell him now and he feels the same (not likely)

·         I wait another few years till I am of an acceptable age, tell him, and he feels the same (again, not likely)

There is also the option where I just keep my mouth shut and act as if these feelings don't exist, but that's not really how I role.

I’m probably making things more complicated than they really are, but that’s kind of expected from a teenage girl.

But yet after all this, I’m not worried. Okay, that’s not completely true. I am worried, but I know that whatever the outcome, God has a plan for me. Whether it includes this guy or not, who knows? God does J

We're gonna miss you.

Its nearly the end of the year, the end of my year 12 and after that, there will be just one more year left of high school for me. Sadly though, for some of my friends this will be their very last year. For some it will be because they are year 13 now, but for others its because they have decided they wont be coming back for year 13. The biggest shock for me, and most of my friends would have to be Katie.
Katie is one of the most friendliest, kindest, funniest, bubbliest, beautiful people you could ever meet. She is insanely talented, very smart and just an amazing person. To learn that she isn't coming back was devastating. I actually had a 2 1/2 hour phone call with my friend Josh today (not the same josh I talked about earlier) about how different school will be without her. I think out of a small group of friends, he has taken it the hardest. This is Josh's first year at high school, and he didn't really know too many people. Then along comes Katie, being her friendly self, and takes him under her wing, makes sure he fits in and that everything is good for him. For him, she is this light of hope of making it through high school alive. But despite all her efforts, he doesn't have many school school friends, and Katie is his best friend.

For me, Katie is the cutest girl you will ever meet, but shes not fragile. I have always felt a bit out of place with my regular group of friends. They all dress the same, have the same taste, have the same dark eyeliner which looks amazing on them. And then there is me. I'm like a fish out of water, and even though I try to be different, this kind of different is not what I'm aiming for. Katie encouraged me to start hanging out with my other group of friends more, which oddly enough, are pretty much right next to each other. For once in my life I feel normal (that feels really weird to say).

I had plans for my year 13, most of which involved Katie in one way or another. Now I have to rethink a lot of those plans. Some of those plans were to show the school that you don't have to be popular to have fun. We're just too awesome to be part of the popular crowd, and they know it =]

I think what she's doing is great, and I don't want to stop her from going, as much as I will miss her, I know I can't stop her. I don't want to stop her. Who am I to tell her what to do? She is a free spirit, she always has been.

Katie, I am so proud of you. You will be missed dearly.
ILY WIFEY!!!

Only a Memory

"I can't help but close my eyes for life
And dream a different ending
When I wake, I won't be so exhausted
And I will stop with my pretending
That I'm fine, I'm fine if I can fool myself tonight
And my lie will drown out all of yours

I will not bend until I break, how much can one bruised body take?
Just not enough to silence me, you're only a memory
I'll scream these words 'til they come true, then I will think no more of you
Look back on what I'm going through, this isn't my identity

You will bleed for what your hands have done
You can't outrun your ending
And I'll get well long before you let yourself
I may forgive you, but you never will

And I told you, I told you, you had no right
How damaged you must be
Watch you panic, it's tragic, you'll carry this for life
You have my sympathy
You're only a memory
This isn't my identity"

Have you ever found a song that seems to describe you/your life/how you feel almost perfectly? I have a few, the main one being "This is a Call" - Thousand Foot Krutch, and another one which I have just discovered is "Only a Memory" - Icon for Hire.

Tomorrow my youth group has planned a trip down to Wellington to see Parachute Band: Love Without Measure Tour (yay! and not so yay...)
Why not so yay? Because the venue is The Rock Church, which just so happens to be the church that Josh attends. It was actually at the Mumsdollar Farewell concert at his church that I first saw him (and possibly tripped him up while he was taking pictures, not on purpose though). I fear he may be there, and that I might see him or he might see me. Then I think, so what if I see him/he sees me! I doubt he would even recognise me. But I'm still scared. I'm scared that if I saw him, I would just break down.
It's funny though, kind of ironic too, it was at the last Parachute Band: Love Without Measure Tour that I finally brought myself to forgive him. It was then when I realised that I didn't want what happened to control my life, "this isn't my identity" "You're only a memory"

So here's to a brighter future and better memories. To good friends and good times. And to an amazing God! I would be nothing without Him.

PEACE OUT!

We've Got A New Camera

So we have this fancy new camera that everyone wants to take pictures with.

Me and Harry. My beloved bear that was given to me as a birthday present last year. He has two sisters and one brother. In order, it goes Harry - brown (as you can see), Harvey - blue, Holly - white and Harriet - pink. But Harry is the original. I've taken him to all my exams this year. I'm not allowed to have him with me while I sit the exam, but he sits at the front of the hall and just stares at people. I haven't had any complaints about him putting people off yet, so he still comes in with me.
If I ever lost Harry, I think a part of me would die inside. I have a very strong... what's the word... connection? Well something like that.
He's almost like a symbol of my childhood. This may sound a bit crazy, and you may think "You're still a kid now" which I am. But last year something happened. I had a "thing" (not really sure what else to call it, I liked him, he liked me (I think) but we weren't "going out" but we txted/emailed/facebooked all the time) with a guy in Wellington. I seem to have a thing for guys who don't live in the same town as me. Anyway, the Wellington part is not really the shocking part of this story. No, the "shocking" part is the fact that this guy was 7 years older than me. When I first met him, I thought he was 18, he thought I was 18, but turns out I was only 15 and he, 22. To me, its not really a big deal, I even told my parents about him, so I wasn't hiding it from them. It ended tragically for me, but lets not go into that.
The age difference never really bothered me, but there was an issue that did bother me.
The fact that I was still seen as a kid in most peoples eyes, I was scared he might treat me like a kid, so I forced myself to "grow-up" for him. I avoided talking about anything that could remind him that I was still young, and it worked for the most part.
I became this mature, adult like 15 year old, which in some ways is good, but in others, not so much.
I feel like I have lost some of my childhood, and having Harry helps me feel like the kid I still am.

I had fun with some lemon juice and a candle. I wrote/drew/painted random things on an A4 piece of paper. Random things such as: some of my best friends names. The name of this blog. The name of my failing band. Bible verses. A pretty butterfly and loveheart.

I'm wanting to dye my hair something like this, a kind of orange/brown.

And this is the colour I have to dye my hair, only problem is that it could be too bright for school. I know the colour looks pretty close to the one of Hayley Williams, but my colour is actually a lot brighter than it shows in the picture. I might do a bit of testing over the weekend to see if I can get it to be not so bright.

Something that made me smile at the PJ and board game night at youthgroup. Hope it makes you smile too :)

Paper Hearts Burn Easily

Am I invisible to you/ do you see me standing here/ 'cause all I'm asking for is a chance
And if you saw the signs/ would you start to run away/ so you wouldn't get tangled up

In this mess/ I've got myself into/ can't find my way out
I'm holding out for a hero/ just wondered if you'd be willing/ to give it a try

I locked my heart away/ built walls up around it/ tried to keep it safe
But somewhere along the way/ I ended up locking myself/ out from the world

I need to know/ are you willing to save me/ if I start to lose control
And I want you to know/ you were the first one I let get to close/ in so long

I need a hero/ someone to hold my hand so I don't
Drown/ in my own fears and doubts/ will I ever make it out
Make it out/ make it out/ make it out
Cause I need/ a hero/ someone to save me from/ myself.

(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011

I want to run away

Now don't freak out! I don't plan on running away from home or school or anything like that. That is not what I mean.
It would be more like a break, a holiday, after a stressful life.
A road trip with friends, just because we can.
I've done it before, last summer.
There were five of us: me, Ainsley, Jacob, Phil and Ashley.
No parents, no one over the age of 18.
Ainsley had called earlier that morning, asked if I wanted to go to the beach, of course I said yes.
We left for the beach 2 hours after that phone call.
We walked around in the dunes for a bit, talked about life.
I already knew Jacob and Phil, but this was my first time meeting Ashley.
I asked him a few things about himself; how he knew Jacob; what school he went to; his favourite colour... things of that nature.
He was shy, so I carried most of the conversation.
We wandered down to the shore line, taking of my jandles, I started to walk in the shallow water.
It was a sunny day. The boys sat down on some driftwood while me and Ainsley stayed by the water.
As we walked, we talked, then I decided I wanted to go for a swim.
Without saying a word, I took off running for the deeper water.
As a wave comes towards me, I dive hands first.
I stay submerged for a bit, then surface.
I hear Ainsley call out asking if I was alright.
I guess my dive looked more like I had tripped.
With a great big grin on my face I scream for her to come in.
She is hesitant, but finally come charging in after me.
We see the boys looking at us like we are mad, but they soon follow.
An hour goes by, so we decide to head back to the driftwood.
We talk some more, about deep, meaningful things.
I end up burying Ashley in sand, but he doesn't care.
We sit there in the sun for a few hours.
Ainsley makes a remark about how hot I look with my tan skin, knee length boardshorts, and tank top over my togs.
She then says she jealous of my skin 'cause she only burns in the sun.
I just smile, laugh, say thanks, and tell her she is beautiful, even if her skin turns pink during the summer.
At five we decide its time to go home.
But instead of going home, we head back into Palmy.
Still sandy and slightly wet from the sea.
We get fish 'n' chips and go back to Phil's house to watch a movie.
This wasn't the original plan, but I don't think there ever was a plan.
We talk some more before Ainsley's dad comes to pick us up.
As he takes us back to my place he asks if I want to go to Wellington tomorrow.
Again I say yes. I get home and pack in 6 minutes.
I tell my parents goodbye, that I'll see them when I get back, and that I love them.
I stayed the night at Ainsley's. We were on the road by half past five in the morning.
We walked along the waterfront, walked into the city center.
Finally we settled on a beach down the far end of the waterfront.
We didn't have money, but we had a camera.
All throughout the day we took photos of ourselves.
We didn't do much, but we had fun.

The two most spontaneous days of my life.
I felt young.
I felt free.
I felt the pleasure of leaving.
I had run away.
And returned with great memories.

I want to run away.

Andy's Opening Thoughts

This is a little something my friend Andy wrote and read out at youth group last week, and I just thought it was so cool! So I thought I would share it with you (whoever you is). These are his words, not mine.




Okay, lets set the mood here:
3:30am, its VERY dark. The moon is lighting the whole sky and also were I can see. I am tired, have just seen my mum, am full of Limewire (for a change) and garlic bread. Listening to my music on my laptop (also for a change) I am happy. So! I decide to look to the sky, out of the corner of my eye I spot a shooting star. As soon as I see it I think "WHOOOH WISH TIME!" So, upon thinking that I quickly make a wish. I open my eyes, adjust my bicycle so I'm NOT in the gutter and center everything. I ponder on the wish I made for a moment and then selfishly, I close my eyes again and start thinking a single thought that goes like this:

"Dear Lord, please make the next song Shooting Stars"

Now! Please don't kill me yet, I know it was slefish and something you don't really ask the almighty Lord, but my wish was selfless, so NYEAH!

So, at the time I had 1945 songs in my playlist. So! The chances of a single song playing was... well... pretty to use a space pun, ASTRONOMICAL! Knowing this I kinda shrugged it off thinking it would never happen. After a bit of Bass Hunter, I found myself waiting eagerly for the result. Stars or Naah's? The Shoting Stars I had wanted was this (Plays snipet of Shooting Stars - Bag Raiders) this, however, is what I got instead (plays snipet of Airplanes - B.O.B ft Hayley Williams)

Now! You may think this proves nothing right? Or maybe you're thinking "Andy, is there a point to this?" Well lads and female-lads, there is! I listened to Airplanes and felt so happy. It wasn't the song I wanted, but it felt like out of the 1945 songs that COULD have played, this one was very close to what I wanted. To put it bluntly, I felt as if God listened and was riding that ride with me. He had heard my prayer, but answered it differently.

AND NOW TO MY POINT!!! I felt God had heard my prayer but answered it differently, yet He still had my best interests in mind. Which I feel brought me to this point nicely; GOD ALWAYS LISTENS! And although He may see like he doesn't answer your prayers, He does. He listens, and He answers, but in His own time and not ours, it may not even be exactly what you wanted. But He has heard and He has answered. He has our interests at heart and mind. Heck! He sent his only son to die for our sins, so He MUST like us a-freakin-lot right? So! If your prayers feel like they go by unheard...

Do not fret! They are with The Lord himself, he doesn't have an office lady who deals with those matters, he does them PERSONALLY. Do not fret I say! For The Lord works in mysterious ways, your prayers will be answered, be they answered word for word, or in The Lords on sly little way. Do not fret my friends!

Everything

Just the other day my boyfriend posted a youtube video on my facebook wall
The song was Michael Buble - Everything
But thats not exactly what this post is about.
This post is based on a song, and that song is called everything, but its not by Mr Buble.

The song I'm talking about is this one here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSwCOs-uXzU

Lifehouse - everything.

I first heard this song 3 years ago at my first easter camp, and since then I have rediscovered it earlier this year. As I have found on youtube, it has been done quite a few times, but I like this version the best.
1) because I love the white suit and red and black shoes and 2) because of 5.05 (roughly around there) where the girl is at the feet of the Lord and He takes of his coat and puts it on her.

It reminded me of one of my first God encounters, at my first easter camp three years ago.
It was the Sunday night, and Sunday night at easter camp is known for its tear jerking capeabilities, but as much as I felt like crying, I couldn't. For so long I knew there was something wrong, but I could never put my fingure on it. I stood at the front of the stage, people in groups and pairs crying, hugging, praying together. It was at that moment that I began to feel alone. Surrounded by hundreds of friendly faces, yet I was alone. But not just there, but at school too, with my friends. It was also at that moment that I felt a hand rest upon my shoulder, I turned to see who was there and I saw no one, the closest people to me were two girls about 2 meters away from me. I began to cry. I was not alone, I had God by my side and that was never going to change. As I walked out of the meeting area, I noticed that my breath fogged in the cold night air, yet I didn't feel cold. I felt like someone had wrapped a warm blanket around me, I felt warm and safe.

"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where
I find peace again"

The second thing it reminded me of is this: about 3 months ago a friend of mine asked me during english "were you truely happy before you had a boyfriend? Or are you truely happy with one?"
My reply was this : "I was truely happy without a boyfriend, but being in a relationship with him just makes me that bit happier," her reply was a short pause and an "okay" before she went back to work.
In one of our d'n'ms (deep and meaningful conversations) me and my cousin talked about relationships. I brought up this question which was asked, and told him my response. His reply was similar to that of my friends, but with a slight difference. It started with a slight pause, but instead of an "okay" he said "that is the right answer."
I must admit it felt nice to be told I said the right thing, I haven't always been so great with words in the past. But even if he hadn't told me that, I still believe it is the right answer.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

 When I'm told "I love you more than anything" the honest reply is that the same can not be said for me.
My heart will always belong to the Lord. Because "You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?" "You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting. You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose...you're everything""Cause you're all I want, You're all I need. You're everything, everything"

To who ever cares enough to listen

It's amazing how much can change in a year. I am not the same girl I was year ago. Maybe one day I will get enough courage to tell someone, or anyone the full story of what happened to me. I might be brave enough to post it here on this blog. It no longer hurts to think about what happened, and I'm not angry at him any more, but the secrets eat away at me, all because I keep it to myself. One of these days I'll tell you. It may take a while, but I promise I will tell you.

A few things that haven't changed is the fact that I still feel like an outsider with my friends. I love them dearly, but sometimes they don't really make me feel welcome, that I don't really belong with them. I know they don't mean to, but its how I feel.

This is me the night it happened
Take a look outside the window
There are places to go there are faces to see
And we'll make it
If we just leave

It's proven to be the hardest part of moving on
Accepting we were wrong
But we'll find that it's easier
Letting go, with one foot strong

I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive

Take a look outside at the world
Everything now broken
Glass shattered and sprayed all around
Who knew these walls had windows

And I like to think that it was hard for you
To be so cold
But reality it tells me
That your ways are now old

I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive

I've proven that the hardest part of moving on
Was being so cold
But I like to think the hardest part for you
was accepting you were wrong

I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
Through this night

(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011

Letters to people who will probably never read them

Thinking back to the past few years (mostly my high school years) I have noticed something: I have a lot of guys in my life. That doesn't seem like a big shock, well not for me anyway.
What I mean by this is that most of my mentor/ heroes/ people I look up to have all been male, and all older than myself.
So in this blog I would like to write a letter (although I doubt they will ever read this) to Ken, Dave, Mr Bell and Dan.

Dear Ken.
The year I had you as a youth leader was one of the best years for me, and one of the worst.
It was the year that I really started getting into my faith. The year I went through comfirmation. The year I had my first boyfriend, and my first break up. And all through this you were there to push me on.
You sparked this passion inside of me, I wanted to make a change in the world. And it all started with coffee. I fell in love with fairtrade that year. You introduced me to this world where things aren't always as they seem, and taught me it was ok to stand up and stand out from the crowd. This was the start of a new, confident me.
Thank you.

Dear Dave.
Although it was only 4 days, you made a huge impact on my life. You made me realise that I was worth something in God's eyes, and that made me feel some self worth. You may never know this, but it was because of this that I stopped my ways of self harm. And here you are, thinking you were stopping me from calling myself a loser.
Thank you.

Dear Mr Bell.
You are by far my favourite teacher, even if you don't actual teach me anymore. I always enjoy our talks during lunch, and it means so much to me that you are trying to help me out with my radio career. I still remember the day I came into class crying and you delivered a lolly through the toy squirrel I got for you. I never told you, but that little act of kindness was and still is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. You were one of the first teachers who actually believed in me, and you're quirky and caring personality is one of the things that has encouraged me to help others, and taught me that its ok to be different. If it wasn't for you, I honestly do think I wouldn't have made it through high school as far as I have in one piece.
Thank you so much.

Dear Dan
It's been a few years since I met you at parachute, and in total honesty, that was the highlight for me. You probably thought I was a weirdo, and I'm sorry for making you feel claustrophobic, and possibly creeping you out with the necklace, but there was something inside of me saying that you would be an important part of my life, and you are. I remember running into the house, turning on the computer and logging onto facebook in hope that you would be online (and I'll admit, I still do now). I love my friends, they are amazing, but there are times where I feel as if I don't belong. I felt lonely. But whenever I talked to you, those feelings would flee. It was reassuring to know that I had someone I could go to in a time of need. There are things I have told you, that no one else knows. Trust was and is something I struggle with, but I can truthfully say that I completely trust you. You are like a brother to me, and you are one of my best friends. I don't really mind if I'm not one of yours, because just being a friend means so much to me. I thank God everyday for giving me a friend as great as you. You have had a huge impact in my life. You are an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.
Thank you.

Cue Twilight Zone Opening Theme Music

The future. It can be a scary thing to think about. Some people don't want to talk about, others have their whole life planned. I am coming up to my final year at high school next year, and after that, I am free to do pretty much what ever I want.
What is it that I want to do? Well I have more of a list of things I would like to do at some point in my life, such as:

• Become a school prefect.
• Bake and decorate a wedding cake for a friend
• Open up a Cafe and call it "Om Nom Nom"
• Travel around the world with my closest friends (see the seven wonders of the world etc...)
• Work in radio (preferably at Life FM)
• Perform at Parachute music festival
• Record an album or EP of my own original songs (it doesnt have to sell)
• Have a white Christmas
• Be a inspirational speaker at something like Easter Camp or Parachute
• go on mission trips

And the list goes on. If you were to see this list, you might think I am crazy for thinking I could do it all, but is it so wrong to dream? I know what I want to do, I just don't know when or how it will all happen. But I want to make the most of this life I've been given. I want impact and change lives. I want to be remembered not because of fame or fortune, but by friends and family through my actions and words. Is it wrong to want to be remembered? I don't know, but I want to be known as the girl who cared and helped those who needed it, and who was there with a smile and a hug to say "It will all be ok, you'll see."

Are his actions justifiable?

These past holidays I went to camp with my youth group. Unfortunately I spent most of that week with a bucket by my side due to having the flu, but thats not what this post is about.

A good friend of mine just had her heart broken by one of the guys at this camp.
I could start on a long rant about how cold and heartless he was, but when I stop and think about it, it was really never his intention to hurt her. Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
It's not like he decided "Hey, this girl likes me. Lets break her heart just for a bit of fun."
He is actually quite a nice guy when you get to know him, but he still lead her on for a year. That part I'm not very impressed with.

But it made me think. About what? About Josh. What about him? It made me think about what he did to me. 9 months of what now seems like leading me on, if he actually liked me or not is still a mystery, but frankly I don't actually care.
After all this time, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he (most likely) never ment to hurt me. The way he handled the situation really wasn't the best, but to tell the truth, most people would probably do the same thing. Run.

It makes me think about all the people who have hurt me. Most of them (probably) never intented to hurt me at all. They were nice people, still are, but their actions and words let them down.
We don't always think about what we are doing until its too late. I know I have done my fair share of damage in the past, and will probably do so in the future as well. Although I do aim to do better.
I accept the fact that people have and will hurt me, but realising that (one can assume) they never ment to hurt me makes things a bit easier for me to forgive.

I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this

As I said in one of my earlier posts, I wrote and performed a song for assembly

So here it is, as requested :)

Also, I've finally decided on a name for my one man band

Theinvisiblesign

I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this

I’m taking things slow once again

Hearts that burn let go eventually

Things turn around for me

I finally see the beauty

In this world, from this angle

Upside down and incomplete

It’s like catching a rainbow

In your hands, when you’ve got cold feet

I could spend a life time

Denying the truth

Of the coldest part of your heart

The darkness folded through

Melting moments in your hands

Still frozen at the ends

The hardest part of giving up

Was trying so hard

When beauty is fleeting

All the butterflies are leaving

The shaken and confused

Hearts once broken, now glued

O, how time passes us by

Leaving only memories

O, how I wish you could stay

Just a little while longer dear

(c) Copyright Theinvisiblesign 2011

35 sleeps to go

My mother and my auntie raised a very semi-important topic today.
My birthday.
They asked if I had plans, if there was anything I wanted to do, and my mother informed me that once again, she will not be around on that day.
To answer the questions - Do I have have plans? Is there anything I want to do? The answer being no, I do not have plans and yes, there is something I would like to do.
With everything that is going on in my life at the moment (filming, camps, voice recording for a video game, planning the perfect night for my friends on the 6th of august) I have had hardly any time to think of how I should celebrate the 17th anniversary of the day I was born.
Should I spend it with heaps of friends, being showered with love and gifts, feeling like I am the most important thing in the world?
Well I am not the most important thing in the world, so there goes that part.
As for the rest? Well every year it has been the same, I am showered with gifts, spending time with friends and family (that part I adore), and having some sort of get together. All of which is rather nice, but at some point on that day, I will cry.
Until last year, the reason as to why I would cry were negative.
Last year was by far the best birthday I have had so far. For once I had everything I wanted. When I say everything I wanted, I don't mean gifts, money, blah blah blah... No. When I say everything I wanted I mean I was surrounded by people who loved and cared about me.
I was happy, content with where I was in life, and for those who knew (and there only a few) what I was going through at that time, this was a very big deal for me. I did end up crying at some point, but they were tears of joy.
One of the things that made last year the greatest, I believe, was the fact I had no high expectations what so ever about that day. I didn't care if had a tonne of presents given to me, if I had cake, or if my friends embarressed me infront the class by screaming out "IT'S RACHEL'S BIRTHDAY" followed by a very out of tune, out of time happy birthday song. I started the day with the expectation of being dissapointed yet again. But I wasn't.
I got everything I wanted.

Who I am hates who I've been

As of last Friday, this is my longest relationship. You could say I am comparing this relationship to my previous ones, but to me, I am comparing myself: Who I am now and who I used to be. A year ago I was a commitment foe (it has since changed). The idea of being “stuck” with one person scared me, even if it was in terms of dating. It took me a while to realise this though.

But each relationship has taught me something about myself. Who I am, what I want out of life and what I can give back.

In a way I was selfish. They asked for something that I wasn’t willing to give, yet I asked for something in return.

They say girls have sex for love, but me? I loved for love, if that makes any sense. I told them “I love you” so they would say it back, even if I didn’t love them.  All I ever wanted was to be loved, to feel special in someone’s eyes. Now I want to love someone. Now I do love someone.

It was never face to face those three words, and it soon lost its charm. I went through it over and over and over, never really learning from my mistakes, breaking hearts as I went on.

I’ve never been dumped, nor do I want to be. But I don’t want to break any more hearts. It is possible to break your own heart, I have. I forced my heart to love when it really didn’t. I guess that’s what drove me, what made me hold on for so long, I wanted to be loved. I never told him though.  9 months it took for me to convince myself I loved him, but a moment for my heart to break. When I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, I realised what I had done. Sure I was mad at him, but it was I who was to blame.

I do that a lot, blame myself. I am used to being blamed for when things go wrong, so it’s only natural that I would still take it.

That’s one thing that hasn’t really changed about me; I still take it all with ease.

Maybe, as I have grown up, the idea of being with someone has changed, I have changed. Who I am does not hate who I’ve been, but they are not that same.

"I wrote this blog but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this"

My mind is a constant swarm of thoughts, dreams, worries and ideas.
It hardly ever seems to stop. It jumps from one thing to another, and sometimes my thoughts flow.
Sometimes I over think, I worry too much. My mind wanders. It never seems to stop.

In completely unrelated news, I peformed in assembly today, a song titled "I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this"
As I sang, everyone was quiet,which scared me. They are usually quiet when they don't like something. As I finnished the song there was a pause. I swear my heart frooze at that point. Did they hate it? Moments passes, and then a roar of cheers and claps filled the hall.
Way to give a girl a heart attack!
For the rest of the day I had people coming up and telling me how great it was! All I could do was give a smile and say thanks...

My mind was in other places...

Falling In

I am a defender. In every sport I've ever played, I am always a defender. Protecting the goal, keeping it safe. This also applies to my heart. I am not a fighter, I defend. I work hard to keep it safe, keep it from anyone who gets to close. It's what I have learned to do, its all I really know. Building walls up to keep people out, and to keep myself in.

This has always been me, until now.

"This heart that I've followed Has left me so hollow. That was then, this is now, yeah you have changed everything"

Suddenly life seems brighter, clearer, better.

I have a fear of change, even if it is good change. Yes this is odd coming from the girl who changes her hair colour almost every month, but it still scares me. So letting someone get this close is a big change for me. Never have I been more afraid in my life.

"Now don't be scared, it's only love That we're falling in"

Beaten Angel

Today I got a call from my drama teacher. She told me the moderator had just sent her a text saying the script I wrote is actually worth a excellence instead of merit. I'm rather happy about that :) so i thought I would give you a little example of what I wrote. Enjoy!

Beaten Angel

Mum: Are you sure you’re alright?

Daughter (snappy): I said I’m fine

Mum (also snappy, but not as much): You don’t seem fine to me.

Daughter: Well I am.

Mum: And what about Jack?

Daughter: What about him?

Mum: How is he?

Daughter: He’s... (pause) ...good.

Mum: That’s good.

Pause. Daughter, slightly annoyed, starts to fiddle with heart locket around her neck.

Mum: I see you still wear that necklace of yours

Daughter: Of course I do, Jack gave this to me when we first met.

Mum: Ah yes, I remember that.

Pause

Mum: So where is he?

Daughter (toneless, looking down): I don’t know.

Mum: Is he still at the pub?

Daughter: He’s given up drinking.

Mum: You keep telling yourself that...

second go

I attempted making a blog last year, but it failed as I didn't actually post anything. Maybe this time will work out better? But if you are reading this, (out of boredom, if you happened to stumble upon it, or if I have the pleasure of being your friend and have begged you to read my blog) I apologise now for my horrible spelling and terrible grammar, and hope, despite the fact my english skills are rather poor, that you enjoy reading my second go at blogging :)