White Blank Pages

12.25am. My brother sits only three meters away from me, but there are two walls between us. He's back from uni for a short while. It seems nothing has changed between us. We get on, but hardly talk. When we do, its short, awkward sentences. But I'm glad to see him again. I've missed him.


12.29am. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I have no idea what I am doing. Where am I going in life? What will be be doing next year? Or the year after that. So many questions with so many possible answers. I was so sure of what I wanted. For four years I was certain, but in the last 5 weeks, it feels as if something has changed. 


12.33am. Legacy. It's all about legacy. That's what I've been told. It seems some will leave a great mark on the world, some already have, but others will just the eyes that walk through the gallery. 


12.39am. Tom Hiddleston. I would be lying if I said I wasn't obsessed with the man. He has no idea who I am. I am just another fan, just another face in the crowd of this crazy world. I wish to met him one day. Express my fondness of his inspiring humble attitude towards life.


12.50am. Dan. You might not know this, but I wrote a song about/for you a while ago, this one. But know, it has no attachment.


12.58am. The school ball is coming up. I have a dress. I have the shoes. I have the accessories. I know the hairstyle. I have a date. A friend. I am looking forward to it.


1.02am. Confession. I do like to wear dresses, but I like pants better. But I like to keep them for special occasions. Balls/Proms. Formal gatherings. Weddings. I want to make them special. Like a first kiss. I wanted my first kiss to be with my husband. On our wedding day. 


1.07am. What if I had some idea of love in my head, and it's just totally wrong?


1.15am. I miss you.

You will probably never read this...

Dear Mr Hiddleston,

This will probably be just another crazy fan letter, but if you can find the time, I would love for you to read on.

I wish to tell you a bit about myself.

My name is Rachel. Originally it was Joshua, for my parents believed I was to be a boy, and as it turned out, they were wrong. I was born in the USA, but have been raised in a little country of New Zealand (10 points if you know where that is).

I am just like everyone else, yet different at the same time, well, at least, I like to think I am.

There is nothing extra ordinary about me: I’m neither a famous celebrity, nor a world record holder, nor am I working towards finding the cure for cancer. No, I am just another face in the crowd of billions, trying to leave my legacy for generations to come.

 I enjoying making others happy, and sharing my love of music, performing, and baking with those around me.

Now for the crazy fan part...

There are so many questions I wish to ask, and I’m sorry that you’ve probably heard this all before.

Why did you decide to get into acting?

And how did you start?

If you weren’t acting, what would you like to be doing?

Do you ever think you will come to New Zealand?

And what is your favourite cup cake flavour?

I’ll stop there. I could go on for a while, but you are a busy man, and I do not expect you to answer any of these.

For the past 15 weeks I have been ill with some unknown illness, constant headaches and nausea. It is not very pleasant, but I seem to be pulling through, but not on my own. I am lucky enough to have some of the world’s most supportive friends. One in particular, shares me obsession (there’s no denying it) with The Avengers, and is an amazing artist, and uses her gift to make encouraging messages telling me to get better soon.

More crazy fan mail: Another thing that has seen me through these past 15 weeks has actually been your smile. It is the most contagious smile I know. I can’t help but smile myself when I see it. It is truly beautiful.

Again, I apologise for this. Undoubtedly you’ve heard this many times before.  

I am also a fairly new tumblr fan, and one of the blogs (I think that’s what they are called) is one by the name of Hiddlesquotes, and as it implies by the name, it is a blog that posts your quotes.

Some of them are beyond doubt the funniest and the most inspirational words of wisdom I have ever read.

Without even knowing, you seem to brighten up my day, and I wish to thank you for that.

The chances of me ever getting to meet you are very slim, but you never know what the future holds.

I don’t expect you to reply, but if you could find the time, well, I wouldn’t complain at all.

I just felt the need to let you know.

Kind regards,

Rachel.