New Life Beyond the Horizon

So my last post was pretty slack if I am honest with myself, and I wont make any promises that this will be any better, but I'm trying.

I haven't really announced it officially ( and by officially I mean I haven't made a status update about it on Facebook), but I received a call just over a week ago telling me that I had been accepted into the mission internship and will be spending most of the year in Auckland and Fiji. All very exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. The stress is getting to me, you can tell by the fact that my fingernails are nearly down to the nubs and my face, chest and back have broken out. Its not pretty, but I leave in less then a week. There is still so much I need to do, and very little time. I want to catch up with my friends before I go, but I don't think I have enough time to do so.

Back to the last post, about Parachute. Something I didn't mention was that I was hit on by a middle aged man. Me being me, I was oblivious to it at first, I thought he was just being nice. Started off with simple hi's and the exchanging of names, that was all fair and well. He asked more about where I was from, what church I went to, simple pleasantries, that was just fine. But its when I caught him staring at me, not just for a moment, but for nearly 6 minutes, it was a little uncomfortable. After the gig, he asked me for my number, I told him I didn't have my phone on me, nor did I have a good enough memory to actually remember my number. He then said he would give me his number and asked if I had pen and paper to write it down. I had neither, and thought that would be that, but instead he searched the whole venue asking everyone if they had pen and/or paper. He gave me the slip of card, which I took and placed it into my bag (I haven't actually seen it since) and continued on with the conversation I was having with a friend. This man (Tui, this is what was written next to him number) decided he wanted to show me pictures on his phone, and really, REALLY made sure I could see them, which made me feel rather claustrophobic. In all fairness though, he hadn't necessarily done anything wrong, other then to disregard my personal space, it was just uncomfortable and awkward for me.
If it were someone younger or (if I'm being very truthful) better looking, then maybe it would have been more ... pleasant.

Its past 3, I really should get off here and at least try to sleep.

These next few weeks are gonna be tough... wish me luck.

Follow The Sun

To summarise my weekend at Parachute in a short sentence: it was so good! Probably the best I've been to, so far at least.
The music was amazing! Rapture Ruckus, Family Force 5, HalfNoise, Evermore, New Empire, the list goes on!
For the first time in what seems like years, I was happy. I was having fun. Heck! I even saw Josh, and I didn't feel anything. I'm finally over him, over what he's done to me. And let me say it is one of the greatest feelings ever.
What wasn't the greatest feeling ever was walking through the crowed streets, standing infront of stages, wishing that someone would notice me. But no one would give me a second look. I don't even think they gave me a first look to begin with. It wasn't until I saw him, until I saw Dan, that it finally got to me. How alone I feel. All I could do was cry, I couldn't even tell my friends why. The one person I wanted to run to and just let out the tears and the pain was the one person who was the cause of it.
But despite just sitting there in the middle of a room, not being able to make any sound other then a pathetic whimper as the tears leaked from my eyes, I still had my friends there to comfort me in my time of need.

Amsterdam

So I pretty much failed last time at the blogging thing, so I'm hoping this time I might be a tad more productive.

To sum up the end of my High School year, Manawatu won the house cup, my academic year was crap, but I was happy with the amount of work I put into my leadership role and other services to the school. After 5 years, I finally got a hug from my favourite teacher, Mr Bell. I still can't believe its all over. To tell the truth it hasn't sunken in just yet, and I don't really want it too.
I have also decided that I am gonna study at UCOL next year, doing the Certificate of University Preparation, not because I want to go on study at Uni (I still don't know what I'm doing with life, so I'm gonna wait to figure it out before I make the decision to study), but because I have failed Level 3, even with the credits from my externals, and it is my goal to get Level 3. I had to explain this quite a number of times to friends and teachers, but on of them told me that I had not failed, I just needed to catch up is all. This made me smile.
This year has been tough for me. Being "ill" for so long, and still not knowing what's up with that. In turn, I missed pretty much half of the school year due to being sick.
(Quick update on my health: Yes I am still sick. There are days when my headache and nausea are at a point when I can manage them, but most of the time they cause me some pain and grief. On top of that, my sleeping patterns have been thrown out of wack and I now can't fall asleep till at least 5 am.)
After dreaming of working in radio for 4 and a half years, and to have it suddenly change to nothing, it is hard to handle, scary, and confusing.

I went to my friends 18th last night. Yes there was drinking, no I didn't get drunk of my face, not even tipsy. I was in charge of cooking, and decided that it wasn't safe to drink and fry (although no frying was actually involved) so I just stuck with some good old coke with a squirt of lemon.  Now what is the point of talking about this? Well, I kind of took advantage of the fact that other people were drunk/tipsy and decided to admit a few things that I have never had the courage to say out loud.

1. I have only ever been in love with two people.
2. My first love was Josh.
3. My second love was not Jordan (sorry, but its true. I wasn't really in love with you, but I did really care about you.)
4. I actually used Jonathan to try and get over the second person I was in love with, which obviously didn't work out.
5. I know you probably don't want to hear this (if you are actually reading this), but the second person I was in love with was Dan.
6. It is because of 5. that I am not quite sure how I feel about his engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am super happy and excited for him, but there is still a pain in my chest that keeps coming back when I think about it.

There, now I have admitted it twice.

Imagine Dragons - Amsterdam

By My Side

I keep wanting to post about everything. About school ended. About my fear of losing contact with friends. About prize giving. About my confusion. But I don't know what to say.


 

The Night My Dreams Came True

I struggle with the idea of being invisible. I'm sure a lot of people do. But it tears me up inside when people seem to just look straight through me, especially when I am so desperate for their attention. Its like I'm screaming (sometimes quite literally) out for someone to notice me, even just for a moment. I want to be remembered, not just another shadow in a sea of faces, just another crazed fan. But how do I achieve that? By constantly changing my hair colour? By saying some of the most random things? By being "me"? Has any of it been working? You tell me. I feel so small, so insignificant, so worthless. So when someone actually takes the time to notice me, it fills me with hope. That maybe I am worth the time after all.

Side Note: Its true that I always want us to be more then friends. But what you don't seem to understand is that I wanted us to be best friends. And we were, until I screwed things up.

Time goes by

It's been a while since I felt like this. To feel so content with life, to feel at ease about it all. And all it took was a few days in another country.
I could go on for hours about all the amazing things that took place and even longer about the fantastic people I met who I magically became so close with in those very short days, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to talking about the realisations and decisions that have crossed my mind since then.
One of my biggest fears is losing people I care about, and it seems that without thinking, I started to push away the ones I love. Maybe it was so I wouldn't get hurt, or maybe it was for their good not mine, but whatever the reason, the outcome was a very lonely one.
With only 3 weeks of school left, and pretty much all of my friends moving away (or already living in different cities) I really want to make the most of what little time I have left with them. These are the people who have helped me get through these past 5 years in one piece, and I want to thank them, in some way or another.
"Forever alone" doesn't apply to me now, well at least I don't feel forever alone. After meeting some "good Lutheran boys" I don't feel so, hopeless any more. Like maybe, just maybe I will find someone  I can call my best friend.
Just the other day I was asked what I looked for in a man. After thinking about it for a while, my kind of embarrassing rather long list from when I was a kid shrank into only a few.
Respectful, to others and myself.
I would really like him to be Christian.
Although a bit cliche, I have always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. Someone I can trust, who can make me laugh, who I can tell anything to.
And it must feel natural.

Don't do anything stupid, I have grown rather fond of you.

I want to know you

I woke up this morning, still feeling his arms around me... then I realised it was just a dream, and "he" isn't real, nor do I know him and have never met him before, but I take it from the dream that he cares about me, and I him. Its not the first time I've dreamt about him, in fact, he's been showing up more frequently. I don't know his name, how I met him, but I know that we are close. The dreams are nothing out of the ordinary, almost seem real sometimes. I wake up sometimes and wish I could fall back asleep just to see him again. I won't lie, he is pretty good looking, even in the dream I catch myself staring and thinking "how is he in my life?" but then reality strikes and I realise he's not. But I can trust him. I tell him about the problems I'm having and he listen, he comforts me. He gets on well with my friends, and they all seem to like him. He's sweet, and kind, and funny, and he knows me so well. We always have so much fun together, and I am smiling when he's around, and I swear I can feel his warmth when he pulls me in for a hug. His embrace is comfortable, so familiar, I don't want to leave his side. He's my best friend, and sometimes I think he might be something more.

May sound weird or pathetic, but I wish he was real, or if he is, I wish he would hurry up and be in my life.

I hate to admit it, but couples make me feel so, single! With most the majority of my friends dating, and some even engaged (or planning on it) I have been feeling more single then normal, even my cat doesn't seem to help (I still love you though Jack).

I guess I'm just looking for someone to be there, you know?