Time goes by

It's been a while since I felt like this. To feel so content with life, to feel at ease about it all. And all it took was a few days in another country.
I could go on for hours about all the amazing things that took place and even longer about the fantastic people I met who I magically became so close with in those very short days, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to talking about the realisations and decisions that have crossed my mind since then.
One of my biggest fears is losing people I care about, and it seems that without thinking, I started to push away the ones I love. Maybe it was so I wouldn't get hurt, or maybe it was for their good not mine, but whatever the reason, the outcome was a very lonely one.
With only 3 weeks of school left, and pretty much all of my friends moving away (or already living in different cities) I really want to make the most of what little time I have left with them. These are the people who have helped me get through these past 5 years in one piece, and I want to thank them, in some way or another.
"Forever alone" doesn't apply to me now, well at least I don't feel forever alone. After meeting some "good Lutheran boys" I don't feel so, hopeless any more. Like maybe, just maybe I will find someone  I can call my best friend.
Just the other day I was asked what I looked for in a man. After thinking about it for a while, my kind of embarrassing rather long list from when I was a kid shrank into only a few.
Respectful, to others and myself.
I would really like him to be Christian.
Although a bit cliche, I have always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. Someone I can trust, who can make me laugh, who I can tell anything to.
And it must feel natural.

Don't do anything stupid, I have grown rather fond of you.

I want to know you

I woke up this morning, still feeling his arms around me... then I realised it was just a dream, and "he" isn't real, nor do I know him and have never met him before, but I take it from the dream that he cares about me, and I him. Its not the first time I've dreamt about him, in fact, he's been showing up more frequently. I don't know his name, how I met him, but I know that we are close. The dreams are nothing out of the ordinary, almost seem real sometimes. I wake up sometimes and wish I could fall back asleep just to see him again. I won't lie, he is pretty good looking, even in the dream I catch myself staring and thinking "how is he in my life?" but then reality strikes and I realise he's not. But I can trust him. I tell him about the problems I'm having and he listen, he comforts me. He gets on well with my friends, and they all seem to like him. He's sweet, and kind, and funny, and he knows me so well. We always have so much fun together, and I am smiling when he's around, and I swear I can feel his warmth when he pulls me in for a hug. His embrace is comfortable, so familiar, I don't want to leave his side. He's my best friend, and sometimes I think he might be something more.

May sound weird or pathetic, but I wish he was real, or if he is, I wish he would hurry up and be in my life.

I hate to admit it, but couples make me feel so, single! With most the majority of my friends dating, and some even engaged (or planning on it) I have been feeling more single then normal, even my cat doesn't seem to help (I still love you though Jack).

I guess I'm just looking for someone to be there, you know?

James 2:17

So you see, it isn't enough to just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless.


I am still super keen to write some songs with you Jaws. The Falling Movement ft. The Invisible Sign? 



"I have come to the conclusion/ that with time/ the more I learn/ the less I know/ so its about time I let it go
Forget about the difference/ that come/ with change/ and every discussion I make"



Its kind of ironic really, I'm listening to Imagine Dragons - It's Time, and at the same time I'm thinking about changing my style. Hair, clothes, that sort of thing. While cleaning my room, I found some loose coins and put them in a jar. I've decided I want to go shopping at the end of the year, do a big clear out of my wardrobe, and replace most of it. My dad has been bugging me for a while to chuck out some of my clothes, but I've never had anything to replace them with, so at the end of the year, after exams and school is finished, I'll have a new wardrobe for a new life outside of school. Nothing expensive, most likely op-shop stuff (I do love a good op-shop). I want a  new style. No more big baggy boys t-shirts and hoodies. I'm sure my mum will be pleased with that, as will my brother (no more borrowing his clothes from his wardrobe). I've already thrown out some old shoes, and if you were to look into my rubbish bin right now, you would see several hole filled shoes, shoes that are missing their pair, sitting at the top.


This time off has given me a lot of time to think, and what I've been thinking is its time for a change. A new attitude and approach to school, work, and life. I will be honest, I have been slacking off in school, and yet somehow I'm still passing all my classes, but I want that to change. My teachers don't deserve me slacking off. With all the effort they put into teaching me, they deserve me putting effort into my school work. I don't want to just pass, I want to pass with flying colours, make my teachers proud, maybe they will know they are doing a good job, because they really are. My teachers have been so supportive and understanding over these past months, and I am extremely grateful for that. So I want to do something to show my appreciation. 


I've also been thinking about what I want to get out of life. I like making people feel happy, making them feel special, but how can I do that? I have been considering mission trips, and things of that nature. I have even decided to cut all my hair off so that it can become part of a wig for a child with no hair. I have even considered shaving it off before the ball (and hey, that would be one less thing I would have to worry about), but mum doesn't think that's a good idea. I guess she wants to have some nice photo's of me from my year 13 ball. 


"I don't ever want to let you down
I don't want to ever leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night"

- Imagine Dragons

White Blank Pages

12.25am. My brother sits only three meters away from me, but there are two walls between us. He's back from uni for a short while. It seems nothing has changed between us. We get on, but hardly talk. When we do, its short, awkward sentences. But I'm glad to see him again. I've missed him.


12.29am. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I have no idea what I am doing. Where am I going in life? What will be be doing next year? Or the year after that. So many questions with so many possible answers. I was so sure of what I wanted. For four years I was certain, but in the last 5 weeks, it feels as if something has changed. 


12.33am. Legacy. It's all about legacy. That's what I've been told. It seems some will leave a great mark on the world, some already have, but others will just the eyes that walk through the gallery. 


12.39am. Tom Hiddleston. I would be lying if I said I wasn't obsessed with the man. He has no idea who I am. I am just another fan, just another face in the crowd of this crazy world. I wish to met him one day. Express my fondness of his inspiring humble attitude towards life.


12.50am. Dan. You might not know this, but I wrote a song about/for you a while ago, this one. But know, it has no attachment.


12.58am. The school ball is coming up. I have a dress. I have the shoes. I have the accessories. I know the hairstyle. I have a date. A friend. I am looking forward to it.


1.02am. Confession. I do like to wear dresses, but I like pants better. But I like to keep them for special occasions. Balls/Proms. Formal gatherings. Weddings. I want to make them special. Like a first kiss. I wanted my first kiss to be with my husband. On our wedding day. 


1.07am. What if I had some idea of love in my head, and it's just totally wrong?


1.15am. I miss you.

You will probably never read this...

Dear Mr Hiddleston,

This will probably be just another crazy fan letter, but if you can find the time, I would love for you to read on.

I wish to tell you a bit about myself.

My name is Rachel. Originally it was Joshua, for my parents believed I was to be a boy, and as it turned out, they were wrong. I was born in the USA, but have been raised in a little country of New Zealand (10 points if you know where that is).

I am just like everyone else, yet different at the same time, well, at least, I like to think I am.

There is nothing extra ordinary about me: I’m neither a famous celebrity, nor a world record holder, nor am I working towards finding the cure for cancer. No, I am just another face in the crowd of billions, trying to leave my legacy for generations to come.

 I enjoying making others happy, and sharing my love of music, performing, and baking with those around me.

Now for the crazy fan part...

There are so many questions I wish to ask, and I’m sorry that you’ve probably heard this all before.

Why did you decide to get into acting?

And how did you start?

If you weren’t acting, what would you like to be doing?

Do you ever think you will come to New Zealand?

And what is your favourite cup cake flavour?

I’ll stop there. I could go on for a while, but you are a busy man, and I do not expect you to answer any of these.

For the past 15 weeks I have been ill with some unknown illness, constant headaches and nausea. It is not very pleasant, but I seem to be pulling through, but not on my own. I am lucky enough to have some of the world’s most supportive friends. One in particular, shares me obsession (there’s no denying it) with The Avengers, and is an amazing artist, and uses her gift to make encouraging messages telling me to get better soon.

More crazy fan mail: Another thing that has seen me through these past 15 weeks has actually been your smile. It is the most contagious smile I know. I can’t help but smile myself when I see it. It is truly beautiful.

Again, I apologise for this. Undoubtedly you’ve heard this many times before.  

I am also a fairly new tumblr fan, and one of the blogs (I think that’s what they are called) is one by the name of Hiddlesquotes, and as it implies by the name, it is a blog that posts your quotes.

Some of them are beyond doubt the funniest and the most inspirational words of wisdom I have ever read.

Without even knowing, you seem to brighten up my day, and I wish to thank you for that.

The chances of me ever getting to meet you are very slim, but you never know what the future holds.

I don’t expect you to reply, but if you could find the time, well, I wouldn’t complain at all.

I just felt the need to let you know.

Kind regards,

Rachel.

Shake It Out

Life is like the ocean
It can be rough and make you sick
and other times it can be a calm drift
It can fill your heart with fear and excitement
joy and stillness
It is wild and unpredictable
it can't be controlled
It has the power to end
and the power to create
It is home to killers and dangers
and to some of the world's treasures
It can carry you from where you want to be
or take you to a paradise
Sometimes we see a wave in the horizone and start to run
but when it reaches us we find that there was nothing to be afraid of
But it can also knock us off our feet
catch us by surprise
Leave us out of breath and energy
wishing we could surface before we drown
It holds memories or both good times
and bad
It is inspiring
devastating
BEAUTIFUL

Over It

The headache's back after being gone for just two days. 4 visits to the doctor in a month. She wrote a referral to neurologist. A week later we get a letter from the hospital saying "the specialist has assessed the information provided and has prioritised your referral as URGENT," and to be honest, this freaks me out. Those bold letters screamed at me "URGENT."
Its not meant to be urgent, only minor.

Have you ever imagined what you would do if you were told you were going to dye soon? I have. I'll also admit to imagining how people would react to something like that. What if I am actually dying from some illness? Would I tell anyone about? I couldn't stand the thought of my friends worrying, or being bombarded with mushy sympathy lines. One of the reasons I kept my dad's heart ops a secret from my school friends until it was to unbearable to handle on my own. But then again, would I milk the sympathy thing? Use it to my advantage? Probably not. If anything, I would keep my mouth shut (like I normally do).

I'm not good with telling people how I feel, unless its happy. I could go on forever about being happy. It makes other people happy, and that's what I want.

But my music is sad/serious. Its me actually expressing how I feel. I guess that's why I'm hurt when people don't listen, especially the ones who say that I can tell them anything. If that were true, then you wouldn't talk over the top of me, or walk out of the room because "it's another sad song." You wanted me to tell you how I was feeling, but you threw it in my face when I listened to you?

I don't belong.

I'm scared, not that I let people know, but I am. I'm scared to be seen as weak, like I need help. I do need help though. I know for a fact I can't go through life on my own. But that's where God comes in.

Gosh, I really am no good at this.

I am dying. So are you. Each and everyday we are dying. To quote one of my favourite songs by Jon Foreman:

"All along I thought 
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really 
I've been learning how to die"

If you were to dye today,

would you be ready?