Better Life

Its hard to believe sometimes, that it's been 3 years already. I still remember it so clearly: The feeling of uncertainty as we pulled up into the dark car park, unsure if we could find our way out in the field. Clutching onto our pages as we made our way to the gate. Hearing the familiar voice of my cousin yell out to us "over here" as I let out a sigh of relief knowing we were in the right place. Setting up tents by the dim light of torches, the cold slowly gnawing at my bones as air beds are placed inside, and a sense of accomplishment as the last bag is tucked away in the corner.
Then we all piled into the main building, screams and yells of excitement filled the room as the countdown begins. Nervousness sat in the pit of my stomach, not knowing what to expect. It was not at all what I thought I had signed up to do.

Ah, my first night of Easter Camp. I really must thank my cousin for inviting me, who would of known that for the next 3 years it would be the highlight of my year. But here I am, 4 camps later, and I still love it as much as I did back then, maybe even more so.

For this year, I decided I would write a blog post instead of a facebook status, simply because I would not be able to fit everything into a tiny update.

This years worship band was Soul Servant, who was actually one of the Sunday night acts last year, and boy did they do an amazing job! They played a mix of popular worship songs such as King of All Days - Hillsong United and Glorified - Parachute Band, as well as a few of their own songs. Although I was slightly disappointed they didn't play "my song" (Came to My Rescue - Hillsong United ), these guys have some serious talent, a passion for God, and some pretty sweet dance moves.

Sunday night was beautiful, seeing God work in so many lives. Enough said I think :D

I went nuts when I heard that one of my all time favourite artist, Strahan, was going to be playing at Easter Camp this year. My friends joked I was his, biggest fan, probably because I was able to sing along to every one of his songs he performed. I was beyond happy by the fact that I finally got to see him perform live, and not on a live video feed on the internet. He has such an amazing voice ^.^ I also got to meet him! And he recognised who I was from facebook and twitter. He also signed James (my ukulele).

By they way, if you hadn't already heard, I renamed James to James. Sounds weird, some may be a bit confused by this, but James (the uke) was named after a James that I met at my second Easter Camp, but another James I know (also from Easter Camp) convinced me to rename him James, so I did.

Oh, James and I entered in the talent contest, performing an original song "Paper Hearts Burn Easily", and I think it went really well. I didn't win, but I really don't care. I got the chance to perform one of my own songs, without mucking up, and that's all I really wanted.

Now at the start we were asked what we wanted to get out of the weekend, and for me that was healing and clarity. I'm half way there with the healing (after 4 weeks, the headache is finally gone!!! Now to just get rid of the nausea...), but I think I am more confused now then I was before. Confused about what?? I am a teenage girl, who is in her last year of high school... I think you can guess what confuses me, and if not, then oh well.

I made heaps of amazing friends, and got to see some old ones too. Gosh I'm gonna miss you guys (if there are any of you actually reading this)... There is the very high chance that this year was my last. And I will admit that when I got home, I started to cry. Easter Camp has been a huge part of my life, and so has the many amazing people I have met there. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want it to end, "but all good things must come to an end" apparently.

"I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
I'm gonna miss you"

Falling Slowly

Life doesn't seem to be going my way lately. It started with one little thing, then set of a chain reaction.
Feels sick > Time off School > Teachers get mad and request a doctors note > Go to the doctors for said note > Turns out I have a kidney infection > More time off school > Other teachers get mad > Fall behind in all my classes > Teachers get mad > I get stressed > Feels even more sick.

It. Sucks.

It started just over two weeks ago, the same night I was "dumped." Funny that.
Although you cant really call it being dumped, that implies that we were going out, which we weren't. Just two friends who liked each other just a bit more then friends.

I'm still deciding if I write what happened, or if it stays just another secret of mine. Its not that I'm afraid to say it, I just don't want to be spreading a story that wasn't meant to be shared on the internet. But I will tell you this:
For once, he actually goes to my school (for now).

Shout out to Jaws :P
To be honest, I have been dying to catch up with you again. I haven't had a DM like that in ages!!! And I am super keen to have another, and soon!
There has been a lot going on in my life, and a lot that I want to tell/talk to you about, and as much as I love my friends at school, I'd like to talk to someone about it all without them saying "I told you so" or "Can I punch him, please??"

Also, I've been itching to share some of my new songs with someone, and who better then a fellow song writer?

Which reminds me, I've finished the song "Run Home"
Carrying on from where I left off here:


"Was I just another bump in the road,
Just another problem of yours?


Darling dear, don't you ever be afraid of what you've done,
It will come back to haunt you.


Leave me just the way you found me,
Alone in the dark.


Run home to where you feel safe.
Run to your hiding place."


-Sighs-


I always knew I was going to end up hurt
I just didn't think it would be like this
Not like this

Carousel

It's been a while since I've actually written a full length post, and now I have a few more readers since sharing the link on my facebook page.

So to start things off, some new lyrics I've been working on:

Run Home
Take a deep breath
Then let it out slow
Try to keep calm
Don't let it show


I'm gonna miss you, when you're gone
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you
But I will be fine. don't worry about me
I will be fine


Everyone gets the chance to say goodbye
But you and I never got the chance to say hello


And that's all I have so far for that one.

Ryan was right, I really do suck at writing happy songs, unless they are silly songs.
Most of my songs are serious and not happy, but they come from personal experiences, deep emotions and all that other cliché song writer stuff. Now I'm not saying that I don't have any happy moments to sing about, because I can express those emotions is a different way, and for those of you who know me, I struggle with telling people I am upset or hurt, and as they say, when words fail, music speaks. Different moments in my life that have upset me usually end up with a song written about them, some even get 2 or more, ie Josh has 5 songs so far.

Gosh, it's been over a year and it still haunts me. It's not as bad as it was, but at Parachute I was on edge the whole time, worried he might come to the info desk while I was working, but I never saw him. In fact, I don't even know if he was there at all that weekend. I'll never know, but I don't quite know how I would of reacted  if I did see him.

My life seems to be spinning, going through the same or similar cycle over and over again: I feel alone; my life feels like novel, like its not real; I feel like I don't belong, people around me are very hostile towards me; I get stressed out, but try to always have smile on my face.
Focusing on the good things.
But something always gets me.
Tips the scales.
Breaks me.

I keep going in circles, but each time holds a new challenge, new consequences, new solutions and outcomes. It does make for an interesting life, but I am starting to see patterns emerging in a number of places in my life.

Or maybe I'm just over thinking.

I'm always over thinking.

It's just part of who I am.

I'm me.

<3

Like Crazy

I'm gonna miss you
more then you will ever know

Some days

There are some days, where I feel like giving up.

And other days when I feel like everything might actually work out for me.

Today was not a day where I felt as if I was on top of the world.

Rather, I was just another face in the crowd.

Someone you would walk past if we saw each other on the street.

And you would not even say hi.

I do not want to be invisible.

But I'm just 'That Girl' or 'Her' to you.

Just average. 

Just no one.

just me

The First

Valentines Day (or Singles Awareness Day as I like to call it) is coming up, and it seems everywhere I look, I get reminded about it. Something tells me that I probably be on the S.A.D end of things.. In past years it has been that way. In fact, last year was the first time I had received a valentines. It was a card (well, a pity card really) from my friend Sean about 3 days after the 14th. He wrote in it saying that he felt bad that I had never had a valentines before, and wrote a short poem about how we are just friends. It made me smile, but I did kind of hope my first would be a "real" valentines, not that I'm really one for the romantic mushy stuff, but it would still me nice. I think last year was the worst, I took Harry (my teddy, for those who dont know) with me to school so I wouldn't feel so left out, but even he had a valentines. My english teacher had her teddy, and so they sat together at the front of the class holding hands. EVEN THE TEDDY BEAR HAD A VALENTINES!!! I MEAN, COME ON!!! I also found out my (beautiful) cousin Tania, had received a rose from our friend in Auckland. I thought it was sweet, but I will be honest, I also felt pretty stink (not that I let it show). Its almost like I have some sort of guy repellent, but I know that's not 100% true (one of my friends asked me out about 20 minutes ago (Awkward is what comes to mind)). I do have a bad habit of pushing people away when they get too close. I will say I'm close to a lot of people, but I will only let them get so close. Probably the closest people to me are Katie, Tania and Dan (Oh and of course Jesus).
It actually scares me to have them that close, but something keep's tell me that that's the way it should be right now.
DFTBA
Peace!
God Bless

I wish you knew just how much you mean to me

If there is one thing I regret, it would be not telling you* how much I love you

* you is not directed at just one person