How You Must Be Hurting

Honestly I feel miserable. I don't really know who to talk to. Everyone I cared about has moved on in life and forgotten about me, and those who try to care I push away. I want a deep connection, a strong relationship, but romantic feelings get in the way. What we had was good, it was nice, it was what I needed, but if you take away the romantic feelings, you suddenly disappear from my life. Why can't things be the way they were, just without kissing and romantic connotations. That would be perfect. But that is selfish of me. To want to spend time with you when my love for you is not the kind you wish. We can only have that perfect relationship, the one I crave, if it is only a romantic one. But why can't it be a romantic relationship? Why must my head and my heart be so messed up? I'm just a giant mess. I thought I would be happier but I feel so alone and guilty. I want to talk to you but I don't know what to say.

I miss you

Silent tears roll down my face when I think about it. 

When I think about you.

And this distance.

It's just not the same without you.

But you're on the other side of the world.

Both of you.

I hate it.

But there is nothing I can do.

I guess I could talk to you more.

But its not the same.

I can't hear your laugh,

Or see your smile.

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

All I'm Hearing

Is there something wrong with me?

There must be something wrong with me.

There is something wrong with me.

Right Person, Wrong Time

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. And the future. But mostly I've been thinking about you.

Butterflies

Old habits die hard. I share a bed with Depression yet again. Hello dark, life sucking emptiness, my only companion in these gloomy hours of the night. Did you miss me? Surely you must of, otherwise you wouldn't have been so hasty to embrace my hollow body once more. Do you love me? More than I love myself no doubt. You enjoy my company. You don't turn in disgust at the very sight of me. You rejoice in all my faults and mistakes, so proud, that you constantly whisper them in my ear. You tell all you're friends about me, and they become eager to meet me. Loneliness, Doubt, Guilt, Pain and Hurt all crawl up next to me. They kick off the the cover, exposing me to the bitterness that eventually leaves me numb. Yet I do not complain.

But one day, I will learn to love myself, more than you or any of you ill-lighted friends. I will love me for me, imperfections and all. I will be my own friend, no longer an enemy. I will learn to love my reflection, and we will exchange a smile. I will be kind to myself, forgive and show mercy. I will learn to love me. I will learn to love again.

This is my hope.

False Hope

I am not strong. I am weak, fragile, torn and broken.

Although life is getting better

It does not change the fact that these past years have left me bitter and angry. I still believe there is beauty in the world, I just have to think twice before accepting it.

I'm Giving Up On You

I am lonely.

I don't want any of your bullshit about how I'm not alone, that you're there for me, cause that doesn't change the the fact that I feel alone. I have no one to turn to. And when I do start to tell people, it just feels wrong. I don't feel safe. 

I am empty.

I'm so full of negative energy, yet I feel like I have nothing. I've given so much of myself away to others, trying to make them happy, that I have nothing left for myself. 

Sometimes

You try so hard to take care of everyone else

That you forget to take care of yourself 

A Great Big World "Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

I'm A Mess

So it has been quite some time since I've done this. Why? I don't want to talk about my life. But I'm gonna do it anyway. Its a great big pile of shitty nothing. Things didn't go so well in Auckland, so I came back early. Not that I really had a choice. I was too emotionally damaged to be any good, to much of a pathetic mess to function. Okay, so they didn't say it in those exact words, it was more along the lines of "We don't think you are in the right mental space to be going overseas." Either way it sucked, because I had spent three months being told I should be myself, but not if they don't like who myself is. I tried to please them, say what they wanted me to say, and do what they wanted me to do, and even when I did get it right, there was another 50 things I was still doing wrong.

Since returning to Palmerston North, my depression got worse. To the point where I wouldn't get out of bed because in I felt like the world wouldn't hurt me. In my dreams I was happy, I was smiling, but to be woken up was hell. To be reminded that I was a screw up and wasn't good enough anymore. But sleep would elude me til the early hours of the morning, while my mind would be filled with self hatred, anxiety and the loss of purpose to my existence. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just stayed asleep. And for the most part I did.

I applied for jobs, and only heard back from one, only for them to say that I didn't have enough experience for an entry level job. I was being told that applying online wasn't good enough. I needed to try harder. But it was harder for me to even open up the internet and actually look for a job, yet alone actually place my CV (a written summery of who I am) for someone to judge if I was good enough for them or not.

Depression is a dark place, and one thing I have come to learn this year is people don't understand it. So often we think "they are just mopping around, that they should just get over themselves, you choose to be happy", but that would be like saying to a person with cancer "Get over yourself, you choose to healthy." One of the best explanations of depression would have to be by Hyperbole and a Half. Please do check it out.

That's one of the hardest things for me. People just don't understand. to say I spend most of my day on the internet would not be an understatement. But there is reason for it. I don't spend hours scrolling down tumblr or watching youtube videos just to waste time, or because I'm addicted to the internet. No. If anything I'm addicted to happiness, because I'm in such a horrible place in my life that if I can find any piece of hope, even just the smallest sliver of happiness, I will desperately cling to it with all I have, trying to keep it close enough to my heart to try and melt of some the ice that has been there for far to long. But life just wants to see my freeze alone and miserable. To have you're dreams and hope criticized and mocked, a part of you dies. So please, PLEASE? If I find happiness, don't take it away from me. Whatever it may be.

 

New Life Beyond the Horizon

So my last post was pretty slack if I am honest with myself, and I wont make any promises that this will be any better, but I'm trying.

I haven't really announced it officially ( and by officially I mean I haven't made a status update about it on Facebook), but I received a call just over a week ago telling me that I had been accepted into the mission internship and will be spending most of the year in Auckland and Fiji. All very exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. The stress is getting to me, you can tell by the fact that my fingernails are nearly down to the nubs and my face, chest and back have broken out. Its not pretty, but I leave in less then a week. There is still so much I need to do, and very little time. I want to catch up with my friends before I go, but I don't think I have enough time to do so.

Back to the last post, about Parachute. Something I didn't mention was that I was hit on by a middle aged man. Me being me, I was oblivious to it at first, I thought he was just being nice. Started off with simple hi's and the exchanging of names, that was all fair and well. He asked more about where I was from, what church I went to, simple pleasantries, that was just fine. But its when I caught him staring at me, not just for a moment, but for nearly 6 minutes, it was a little uncomfortable. After the gig, he asked me for my number, I told him I didn't have my phone on me, nor did I have a good enough memory to actually remember my number. He then said he would give me his number and asked if I had pen and paper to write it down. I had neither, and thought that would be that, but instead he searched the whole venue asking everyone if they had pen and/or paper. He gave me the slip of card, which I took and placed it into my bag (I haven't actually seen it since) and continued on with the conversation I was having with a friend. This man (Tui, this is what was written next to him number) decided he wanted to show me pictures on his phone, and really, REALLY made sure I could see them, which made me feel rather claustrophobic. In all fairness though, he hadn't necessarily done anything wrong, other then to disregard my personal space, it was just uncomfortable and awkward for me.
If it were someone younger or (if I'm being very truthful) better looking, then maybe it would have been more ... pleasant.

Its past 3, I really should get off here and at least try to sleep.

These next few weeks are gonna be tough... wish me luck.

Follow The Sun

To summarise my weekend at Parachute in a short sentence: it was so good! Probably the best I've been to, so far at least.
The music was amazing! Rapture Ruckus, Family Force 5, HalfNoise, Evermore, New Empire, the list goes on!
For the first time in what seems like years, I was happy. I was having fun. Heck! I even saw Josh, and I didn't feel anything. I'm finally over him, over what he's done to me. And let me say it is one of the greatest feelings ever.
What wasn't the greatest feeling ever was walking through the crowed streets, standing infront of stages, wishing that someone would notice me. But no one would give me a second look. I don't even think they gave me a first look to begin with. It wasn't until I saw him, until I saw Dan, that it finally got to me. How alone I feel. All I could do was cry, I couldn't even tell my friends why. The one person I wanted to run to and just let out the tears and the pain was the one person who was the cause of it.
But despite just sitting there in the middle of a room, not being able to make any sound other then a pathetic whimper as the tears leaked from my eyes, I still had my friends there to comfort me in my time of need.

Amsterdam

So I pretty much failed last time at the blogging thing, so I'm hoping this time I might be a tad more productive.

To sum up the end of my High School year, Manawatu won the house cup, my academic year was crap, but I was happy with the amount of work I put into my leadership role and other services to the school. After 5 years, I finally got a hug from my favourite teacher, Mr Bell. I still can't believe its all over. To tell the truth it hasn't sunken in just yet, and I don't really want it too.
I have also decided that I am gonna study at UCOL next year, doing the Certificate of University Preparation, not because I want to go on study at Uni (I still don't know what I'm doing with life, so I'm gonna wait to figure it out before I make the decision to study), but because I have failed Level 3, even with the credits from my externals, and it is my goal to get Level 3. I had to explain this quite a number of times to friends and teachers, but on of them told me that I had not failed, I just needed to catch up is all. This made me smile.
This year has been tough for me. Being "ill" for so long, and still not knowing what's up with that. In turn, I missed pretty much half of the school year due to being sick.
(Quick update on my health: Yes I am still sick. There are days when my headache and nausea are at a point when I can manage them, but most of the time they cause me some pain and grief. On top of that, my sleeping patterns have been thrown out of wack and I now can't fall asleep till at least 5 am.)
After dreaming of working in radio for 4 and a half years, and to have it suddenly change to nothing, it is hard to handle, scary, and confusing.

I went to my friends 18th last night. Yes there was drinking, no I didn't get drunk of my face, not even tipsy. I was in charge of cooking, and decided that it wasn't safe to drink and fry (although no frying was actually involved) so I just stuck with some good old coke with a squirt of lemon.  Now what is the point of talking about this? Well, I kind of took advantage of the fact that other people were drunk/tipsy and decided to admit a few things that I have never had the courage to say out loud.

1. I have only ever been in love with two people.
2. My first love was Josh.
3. My second love was not Jordan (sorry, but its true. I wasn't really in love with you, but I did really care about you.)
4. I actually used Jonathan to try and get over the second person I was in love with, which obviously didn't work out.
5. I know you probably don't want to hear this (if you are actually reading this), but the second person I was in love with was Dan.
6. It is because of 5. that I am not quite sure how I feel about his engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am super happy and excited for him, but there is still a pain in my chest that keeps coming back when I think about it.

There, now I have admitted it twice.

Imagine Dragons - Amsterdam

By My Side

I keep wanting to post about everything. About school ended. About my fear of losing contact with friends. About prize giving. About my confusion. But I don't know what to say.


 

The Night My Dreams Came True

I struggle with the idea of being invisible. I'm sure a lot of people do. But it tears me up inside when people seem to just look straight through me, especially when I am so desperate for their attention. Its like I'm screaming (sometimes quite literally) out for someone to notice me, even just for a moment. I want to be remembered, not just another shadow in a sea of faces, just another crazed fan. But how do I achieve that? By constantly changing my hair colour? By saying some of the most random things? By being "me"? Has any of it been working? You tell me. I feel so small, so insignificant, so worthless. So when someone actually takes the time to notice me, it fills me with hope. That maybe I am worth the time after all.

Side Note: Its true that I always want us to be more then friends. But what you don't seem to understand is that I wanted us to be best friends. And we were, until I screwed things up.

Time goes by

It's been a while since I felt like this. To feel so content with life, to feel at ease about it all. And all it took was a few days in another country.
I could go on for hours about all the amazing things that took place and even longer about the fantastic people I met who I magically became so close with in those very short days, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I'm going to talking about the realisations and decisions that have crossed my mind since then.
One of my biggest fears is losing people I care about, and it seems that without thinking, I started to push away the ones I love. Maybe it was so I wouldn't get hurt, or maybe it was for their good not mine, but whatever the reason, the outcome was a very lonely one.
With only 3 weeks of school left, and pretty much all of my friends moving away (or already living in different cities) I really want to make the most of what little time I have left with them. These are the people who have helped me get through these past 5 years in one piece, and I want to thank them, in some way or another.
"Forever alone" doesn't apply to me now, well at least I don't feel forever alone. After meeting some "good Lutheran boys" I don't feel so, hopeless any more. Like maybe, just maybe I will find someone  I can call my best friend.
Just the other day I was asked what I looked for in a man. After thinking about it for a while, my kind of embarrassing rather long list from when I was a kid shrank into only a few.
Respectful, to others and myself.
I would really like him to be Christian.
Although a bit cliche, I have always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. Someone I can trust, who can make me laugh, who I can tell anything to.
And it must feel natural.

Don't do anything stupid, I have grown rather fond of you.

I want to know you

I woke up this morning, still feeling his arms around me... then I realised it was just a dream, and "he" isn't real, nor do I know him and have never met him before, but I take it from the dream that he cares about me, and I him. Its not the first time I've dreamt about him, in fact, he's been showing up more frequently. I don't know his name, how I met him, but I know that we are close. The dreams are nothing out of the ordinary, almost seem real sometimes. I wake up sometimes and wish I could fall back asleep just to see him again. I won't lie, he is pretty good looking, even in the dream I catch myself staring and thinking "how is he in my life?" but then reality strikes and I realise he's not. But I can trust him. I tell him about the problems I'm having and he listen, he comforts me. He gets on well with my friends, and they all seem to like him. He's sweet, and kind, and funny, and he knows me so well. We always have so much fun together, and I am smiling when he's around, and I swear I can feel his warmth when he pulls me in for a hug. His embrace is comfortable, so familiar, I don't want to leave his side. He's my best friend, and sometimes I think he might be something more.

May sound weird or pathetic, but I wish he was real, or if he is, I wish he would hurry up and be in my life.

I hate to admit it, but couples make me feel so, single! With most the majority of my friends dating, and some even engaged (or planning on it) I have been feeling more single then normal, even my cat doesn't seem to help (I still love you though Jack).

I guess I'm just looking for someone to be there, you know?

James 2:17

So you see, it isn't enough to just to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless.


I am still super keen to write some songs with you Jaws. The Falling Movement ft. The Invisible Sign? 



"I have come to the conclusion/ that with time/ the more I learn/ the less I know/ so its about time I let it go
Forget about the difference/ that come/ with change/ and every discussion I make"



Its kind of ironic really, I'm listening to Imagine Dragons - It's Time, and at the same time I'm thinking about changing my style. Hair, clothes, that sort of thing. While cleaning my room, I found some loose coins and put them in a jar. I've decided I want to go shopping at the end of the year, do a big clear out of my wardrobe, and replace most of it. My dad has been bugging me for a while to chuck out some of my clothes, but I've never had anything to replace them with, so at the end of the year, after exams and school is finished, I'll have a new wardrobe for a new life outside of school. Nothing expensive, most likely op-shop stuff (I do love a good op-shop). I want a  new style. No more big baggy boys t-shirts and hoodies. I'm sure my mum will be pleased with that, as will my brother (no more borrowing his clothes from his wardrobe). I've already thrown out some old shoes, and if you were to look into my rubbish bin right now, you would see several hole filled shoes, shoes that are missing their pair, sitting at the top.


This time off has given me a lot of time to think, and what I've been thinking is its time for a change. A new attitude and approach to school, work, and life. I will be honest, I have been slacking off in school, and yet somehow I'm still passing all my classes, but I want that to change. My teachers don't deserve me slacking off. With all the effort they put into teaching me, they deserve me putting effort into my school work. I don't want to just pass, I want to pass with flying colours, make my teachers proud, maybe they will know they are doing a good job, because they really are. My teachers have been so supportive and understanding over these past months, and I am extremely grateful for that. So I want to do something to show my appreciation. 


I've also been thinking about what I want to get out of life. I like making people feel happy, making them feel special, but how can I do that? I have been considering mission trips, and things of that nature. I have even decided to cut all my hair off so that it can become part of a wig for a child with no hair. I have even considered shaving it off before the ball (and hey, that would be one less thing I would have to worry about), but mum doesn't think that's a good idea. I guess she wants to have some nice photo's of me from my year 13 ball. 


"I don't ever want to let you down
I don't want to ever leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night"

- Imagine Dragons

White Blank Pages

12.25am. My brother sits only three meters away from me, but there are two walls between us. He's back from uni for a short while. It seems nothing has changed between us. We get on, but hardly talk. When we do, its short, awkward sentences. But I'm glad to see him again. I've missed him.


12.29am. I'm gonna let you in on a secret. I have no idea what I am doing. Where am I going in life? What will be be doing next year? Or the year after that. So many questions with so many possible answers. I was so sure of what I wanted. For four years I was certain, but in the last 5 weeks, it feels as if something has changed. 


12.33am. Legacy. It's all about legacy. That's what I've been told. It seems some will leave a great mark on the world, some already have, but others will just the eyes that walk through the gallery. 


12.39am. Tom Hiddleston. I would be lying if I said I wasn't obsessed with the man. He has no idea who I am. I am just another fan, just another face in the crowd of this crazy world. I wish to met him one day. Express my fondness of his inspiring humble attitude towards life.


12.50am. Dan. You might not know this, but I wrote a song about/for you a while ago, this one. But know, it has no attachment.


12.58am. The school ball is coming up. I have a dress. I have the shoes. I have the accessories. I know the hairstyle. I have a date. A friend. I am looking forward to it.


1.02am. Confession. I do like to wear dresses, but I like pants better. But I like to keep them for special occasions. Balls/Proms. Formal gatherings. Weddings. I want to make them special. Like a first kiss. I wanted my first kiss to be with my husband. On our wedding day. 


1.07am. What if I had some idea of love in my head, and it's just totally wrong?


1.15am. I miss you.

You will probably never read this...

Dear Mr Hiddleston,

This will probably be just another crazy fan letter, but if you can find the time, I would love for you to read on.

I wish to tell you a bit about myself.

My name is Rachel. Originally it was Joshua, for my parents believed I was to be a boy, and as it turned out, they were wrong. I was born in the USA, but have been raised in a little country of New Zealand (10 points if you know where that is).

I am just like everyone else, yet different at the same time, well, at least, I like to think I am.

There is nothing extra ordinary about me: I’m neither a famous celebrity, nor a world record holder, nor am I working towards finding the cure for cancer. No, I am just another face in the crowd of billions, trying to leave my legacy for generations to come.

 I enjoying making others happy, and sharing my love of music, performing, and baking with those around me.

Now for the crazy fan part...

There are so many questions I wish to ask, and I’m sorry that you’ve probably heard this all before.

Why did you decide to get into acting?

And how did you start?

If you weren’t acting, what would you like to be doing?

Do you ever think you will come to New Zealand?

And what is your favourite cup cake flavour?

I’ll stop there. I could go on for a while, but you are a busy man, and I do not expect you to answer any of these.

For the past 15 weeks I have been ill with some unknown illness, constant headaches and nausea. It is not very pleasant, but I seem to be pulling through, but not on my own. I am lucky enough to have some of the world’s most supportive friends. One in particular, shares me obsession (there’s no denying it) with The Avengers, and is an amazing artist, and uses her gift to make encouraging messages telling me to get better soon.

More crazy fan mail: Another thing that has seen me through these past 15 weeks has actually been your smile. It is the most contagious smile I know. I can’t help but smile myself when I see it. It is truly beautiful.

Again, I apologise for this. Undoubtedly you’ve heard this many times before.  

I am also a fairly new tumblr fan, and one of the blogs (I think that’s what they are called) is one by the name of Hiddlesquotes, and as it implies by the name, it is a blog that posts your quotes.

Some of them are beyond doubt the funniest and the most inspirational words of wisdom I have ever read.

Without even knowing, you seem to brighten up my day, and I wish to thank you for that.

The chances of me ever getting to meet you are very slim, but you never know what the future holds.

I don’t expect you to reply, but if you could find the time, well, I wouldn’t complain at all.

I just felt the need to let you know.

Kind regards,

Rachel.