I'm A Mess

So it has been quite some time since I've done this. Why? I don't want to talk about my life. But I'm gonna do it anyway. Its a great big pile of shitty nothing. Things didn't go so well in Auckland, so I came back early. Not that I really had a choice. I was too emotionally damaged to be any good, to much of a pathetic mess to function. Okay, so they didn't say it in those exact words, it was more along the lines of "We don't think you are in the right mental space to be going overseas." Either way it sucked, because I had spent three months being told I should be myself, but not if they don't like who myself is. I tried to please them, say what they wanted me to say, and do what they wanted me to do, and even when I did get it right, there was another 50 things I was still doing wrong.

Since returning to Palmerston North, my depression got worse. To the point where I wouldn't get out of bed because in I felt like the world wouldn't hurt me. In my dreams I was happy, I was smiling, but to be woken up was hell. To be reminded that I was a screw up and wasn't good enough anymore. But sleep would elude me til the early hours of the morning, while my mind would be filled with self hatred, anxiety and the loss of purpose to my existence. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just stayed asleep. And for the most part I did.

I applied for jobs, and only heard back from one, only for them to say that I didn't have enough experience for an entry level job. I was being told that applying online wasn't good enough. I needed to try harder. But it was harder for me to even open up the internet and actually look for a job, yet alone actually place my CV (a written summery of who I am) for someone to judge if I was good enough for them or not.

Depression is a dark place, and one thing I have come to learn this year is people don't understand it. So often we think "they are just mopping around, that they should just get over themselves, you choose to be happy", but that would be like saying to a person with cancer "Get over yourself, you choose to healthy." One of the best explanations of depression would have to be by Hyperbole and a Half. Please do check it out.

That's one of the hardest things for me. People just don't understand. to say I spend most of my day on the internet would not be an understatement. But there is reason for it. I don't spend hours scrolling down tumblr or watching youtube videos just to waste time, or because I'm addicted to the internet. No. If anything I'm addicted to happiness, because I'm in such a horrible place in my life that if I can find any piece of hope, even just the smallest sliver of happiness, I will desperately cling to it with all I have, trying to keep it close enough to my heart to try and melt of some the ice that has been there for far to long. But life just wants to see my freeze alone and miserable. To have you're dreams and hope criticized and mocked, a part of you dies. So please, PLEASE? If I find happiness, don't take it away from me. Whatever it may be.