As of last Friday, this is my longest relationship. You could say I am comparing this relationship to my previous ones, but to me, I am comparing myself: Who I am now and who I used to be. A year ago I was a commitment foe (it has since changed). The idea of being “stuck” with one person scared me, even if it was in terms of dating. It took me a while to realise this though.
But each relationship has taught me something about myself. Who I am, what I want out of life and what I can give back.
In a way I was selfish. They asked for something that I wasn’t willing to give, yet I asked for something in return.
They say girls have sex for love, but me? I loved for love, if that makes any sense. I told them “I love you” so they would say it back, even if I didn’t love them. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to feel special in someone’s eyes. Now I want to love someone. Now I do love someone.
It was never face to face those three words, and it soon lost its charm. I went through it over and over and over, never really learning from my mistakes, breaking hearts as I went on.
I’ve never been dumped, nor do I want to be. But I don’t want to break any more hearts. It is possible to break your own heart, I have. I forced my heart to love when it really didn’t. I guess that’s what drove me, what made me hold on for so long, I wanted to be loved. I never told him though. 9 months it took for me to convince myself I loved him, but a moment for my heart to break. When I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, I realised what I had done. Sure I was mad at him, but it was I who was to blame.
I do that a lot, blame myself. I am used to being blamed for when things go wrong, so it’s only natural that I would still take it.
That’s one thing that hasn’t really changed about me; I still take it all with ease.
Maybe, as I have grown up, the idea of being with someone has changed, I have changed. Who I am does not hate who I’ve been, but they are not that same.
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