Am I?

I don't want to be your dirty little secret.

Give Me Colour

give me colour

something bright and eye catching

that makes my heart scream

give me a map

with an arrow pointing to where i am

and where we are going

give me a sunset

followed by a starry night

and an open field to lay in

give me a dream

full of hopes and fears

then show me how to get to them

give me a sign

something to let me know what's going on

and what's changing

give me love

something so beautiful beyond compare

so different from the rest

give me the truth

not a white lie wrapped with a ribbon

it will only break me more

give me colour

something bright and eye catching

that makes my heart scream

give me colour

i like things.

i must admit that i stole this one from my friends blog
but i just thought it was a great idea

i like pouring rain and thunderstorms.
i like curling up by a fire place.
i like starry nights.
i like christmas lights.
i like loud music.
i like soft music.
i like music that plays my heart strings.
i like walks down the beach with my cousins.
i like walking in the rain.
i like dancing like an idiot.
i like chocolate cake.
i like making people smile.
i like making people laugh.
i like having a shoulder to cry on.
i like to lay down in the middle of an open space.
i like random conversations that dont seem to go anywhere.
i like deep, meaningful conversations that go on for hours.
i like city lights.
i like rainy nights.
i like bright colours.
i like beautiful pictures.
i like sing as if no one is listening.
i like standing out of a crowd.
i like being different.
i like being unique.
i like action movies.
i like camping with the family.
i like baking yummy treats for my friends.
i like maths.
i like reading a good book.
i like creating weird concepts for a simple drama script.
i like a warm bed on a cold winter night.
i like long showers.
i like the silence.
i like fair trade.
i like public speaking.
i like performing to a crowd.
i like knowing i made a difference in someones life.
i like going to youth group on a friday night.
i like screaming as loud as i can.

i like being told im beautiful...

Things are changing, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

"I may not be as pretty as her
Or as smart as her
Or as funny
Or as fun to be around
But... wait. I can see why you picked her over me"

Low self esteem, how I know you all to well.
At church this week, during the kids talk, the lady had a can.
There was nothing special about the can, besides the fact that it looked like it had been hit a few times with a bat, and scribbled all over with a vivid. But then the lady opened it, and inside was some of her gold and silver jewellery. She told the kids that even when people tell you you're worthless, beat you up, or bully you, you are still special in God's eyes. Wish someone had told me that years ago. Would of been nice to be called special when all my "friends" said otherwise.

I am currently in a lot of pain right now, having sprained both my ankles and now have a burnt knee from the kid on the bus. He decided it would be funny to see what would happen if he stabbed a pen that had been heated up with a lighter into my leg. It felt like someone had just stuck a 3 inch needle into my knee and then ripped it out.

Most of society says: seeing is believing.
If something is not there, then it simply isn't real to them. If they aren't crying, then they're not sad. They have smile on their face, so they must be happy. But these things are only skin deep. It is common knowledge that almost everyone wears a mask. There are a few people who don't, but I am one of the many who do. There are also a few people who can see past the mask, but most people can't. Or if they do, they do nothing about it. Lately my facebook status' have been a bit negative, and people are concerned... over facebook. I had someone ask me if I was alright (this was in person) and I just put on a smile and said I was great. To which they replied "Oh, great! I was worried for a second." Some people just don't seem to care enough to get the truth. But saying that, there are a few who do. Katie is one. She asked me how I was today in maths, and I said I was great, like I normally do. I don't think she bought it. She just stared at me til I told her the truth, which wan't that great, but I still said it with a smile.

When people are onto me, I start to panic. Its almost as if I don't want them to see the mess I really am. Maybe that's the reason I don't like eye contact, they might see the truth hidden in my eyes. For the most part, I hold myself together, but there are times (like now) when I start to lose control, and my life starts to fall apart.

I wrote a song today. The chorus goes like this:

"don't leave me in the dark
I'm lost enough as it is right now
don't give up on me just yet
I've still got a life in me"

I have an idea of what it might mean, but the things about my songs is the lyrics come from heart, and it takes me a while to know what they are talking about.

Maybe this will give you some idea of what's wrong with me, even though I don't fully know myself.

What's in my head at this very second

I was going through my pictures and found a folder dedicated to rain, so that's where the last post came from. I just wanted a reason to share those pictures with the world (although they did originally come from google).

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, well more then usual.
Is it normal to think about your motive behind every action, word and thought? It is for me. I question myself a lot about why I do things. I have done a few things were the motives behind them are... a bit interesting. Like when I was 14, I bought a 021 cell phone just to text a guy that I kinda liked (who I didn't actually end up doing a lot of and the phone was stolen after 5 months) or buying a t-shirt that they only sell in the USA and don't ship to NZ just because a guy I liked said he wanted it, or taking a trip down to Wellington and waiting in a cafe for 5 hours for a guy who said would be there, but never showed up... Thinking about it, most of my motives are because of guys I liked. Maybe its because I'm a teenage girl? Although I don't think I'm like many teenage girls.

I have finally figured out why I don't like being called Rach or Rachie... after much thinking, I realised that I don't know many tall Rachel's. I have always been on the short side of things, and people have always liked to remind me, giving me nicknames like shrimp and shorty. Now Rach and Rachie are both shortened versions of Rachel, and I hated being called short, or anything to do with it.

There is one thing that I wish I knew about me and Josh, was I a secret? Something he kept hidden and didn't tell anyone? Or did he tell some of his friends? Did he tell anyone? It bugs me, but I don't think I'll ever find out. I try not to think about it too much, but with the amount of thinking I do, its hard not to.

Sorry that this post is a bit everywhere, but that's what my mind is like.

Peace out!

Stand In The Rain - Superchick

She never slows down

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down 

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain


















She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down


















So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

  So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I seem to like a challenge

It’s a bit of an interesting situation actually. The guys I like are either older than me, live in a different town, or we are so close that I am afraid that if I tell them I like them, I will lose everything and right now, it’s all three of those things.

I've known him for a few years now, and I've kind of always had a little crush on him. To some of you, this is a real news flash because before now, the longest you have known that I've liked someone was 9 months. Yeah... sorry about that.

Anyway, it seems that over time this little crush aint so little anymore, and now it looks like I’m stuck in a very confusing situation. It seems I have two options, both have multiple outcomes.

·         I tell him now, he freaks out, things become awkward and I lose everything.

·         I wait another few years till I am of an acceptable age, tell him, and it ends the same way as the first bullet point.

·         I wait another few years till I am of an acceptable age, but by then he’s found someone else and I just keep my mouth shut and act like nothing is wrong.

·         I tell him now and he feels the same (not likely)

·         I wait another few years till I am of an acceptable age, tell him, and he feels the same (again, not likely)

There is also the option where I just keep my mouth shut and act as if these feelings don't exist, but that's not really how I role.

I’m probably making things more complicated than they really are, but that’s kind of expected from a teenage girl.

But yet after all this, I’m not worried. Okay, that’s not completely true. I am worried, but I know that whatever the outcome, God has a plan for me. Whether it includes this guy or not, who knows? God does J