It's amazing how much can change in a year. I am not the same girl I was year ago. Maybe one day I will get enough courage to tell someone, or anyone the full story of what happened to me. I might be brave enough to post it here on this blog. It no longer hurts to think about what happened, and I'm not angry at him any more, but the secrets eat away at me, all because I keep it to myself. One of these days I'll tell you. It may take a while, but I promise I will tell you.
A few things that haven't changed is the fact that I still feel like an outsider with my friends. I love them dearly, but sometimes they don't really make me feel welcome, that I don't really belong with them. I know they don't mean to, but its how I feel.
This is me the night it happened
Take a look outside the window
There are places to go there are faces to see
And we'll make it
If we just leave
It's proven to be the hardest part of moving on
Accepting we were wrong
But we'll find that it's easier
Letting go, with one foot strong
I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
Take a look outside at the world
Everything now broken
Glass shattered and sprayed all around
Who knew these walls had windows
And I like to think that it was hard for you
To be so cold
But reality it tells me
That your ways are now old
I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
I've proven that the hardest part of moving on
Was being so cold
But I like to think the hardest part for you
was accepting you were wrong
I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
Through this night
(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Letters to people who will probably never read them
Thinking back to the past few years (mostly my high school years) I have noticed something: I have a lot of guys in my life. That doesn't seem like a big shock, well not for me anyway.
What I mean by this is that most of my mentor/ heroes/ people I look up to have all been male, and all older than myself.
So in this blog I would like to write a letter (although I doubt they will ever read this) to Ken, Dave, Mr Bell and Dan.
Dear Ken.
The year I had you as a youth leader was one of the best years for me, and one of the worst.
It was the year that I really started getting into my faith. The year I went through comfirmation. The year I had my first boyfriend, and my first break up. And all through this you were there to push me on.
You sparked this passion inside of me, I wanted to make a change in the world. And it all started with coffee. I fell in love with fairtrade that year. You introduced me to this world where things aren't always as they seem, and taught me it was ok to stand up and stand out from the crowd. This was the start of a new, confident me.
Thank you.
Dear Dave.
Although it was only 4 days, you made a huge impact on my life. You made me realise that I was worth something in God's eyes, and that made me feel some self worth. You may never know this, but it was because of this that I stopped my ways of self harm. And here you are, thinking you were stopping me from calling myself a loser.
Thank you.
Dear Mr Bell.
You are by far my favourite teacher, even if you don't actual teach me anymore. I always enjoy our talks during lunch, and it means so much to me that you are trying to help me out with my radio career. I still remember the day I came into class crying and you delivered a lolly through the toy squirrel I got for you. I never told you, but that little act of kindness was and still is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. You were one of the first teachers who actually believed in me, and you're quirky and caring personality is one of the things that has encouraged me to help others, and taught me that its ok to be different. If it wasn't for you, I honestly do think I wouldn't have made it through high school as far as I have in one piece.
Thank you so much.
Dear Dan
It's been a few years since I met you at parachute, and in total honesty, that was the highlight for me. You probably thought I was a weirdo, and I'm sorry for making you feel claustrophobic, and possibly creeping you out with the necklace, but there was something inside of me saying that you would be an important part of my life, and you are. I remember running into the house, turning on the computer and logging onto facebook in hope that you would be online (and I'll admit, I still do now). I love my friends, they are amazing, but there are times where I feel as if I don't belong. I felt lonely. But whenever I talked to you, those feelings would flee. It was reassuring to know that I had someone I could go to in a time of need. There are things I have told you, that no one else knows. Trust was and is something I struggle with, but I can truthfully say that I completely trust you. You are like a brother to me, and you are one of my best friends. I don't really mind if I'm not one of yours, because just being a friend means so much to me. I thank God everyday for giving me a friend as great as you. You have had a huge impact in my life. You are an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.
Thank you.
What I mean by this is that most of my mentor/ heroes/ people I look up to have all been male, and all older than myself.
So in this blog I would like to write a letter (although I doubt they will ever read this) to Ken, Dave, Mr Bell and Dan.
Dear Ken.
The year I had you as a youth leader was one of the best years for me, and one of the worst.
It was the year that I really started getting into my faith. The year I went through comfirmation. The year I had my first boyfriend, and my first break up. And all through this you were there to push me on.
You sparked this passion inside of me, I wanted to make a change in the world. And it all started with coffee. I fell in love with fairtrade that year. You introduced me to this world where things aren't always as they seem, and taught me it was ok to stand up and stand out from the crowd. This was the start of a new, confident me.
Thank you.
Dear Dave.
Although it was only 4 days, you made a huge impact on my life. You made me realise that I was worth something in God's eyes, and that made me feel some self worth. You may never know this, but it was because of this that I stopped my ways of self harm. And here you are, thinking you were stopping me from calling myself a loser.
Thank you.
Dear Mr Bell.
You are by far my favourite teacher, even if you don't actual teach me anymore. I always enjoy our talks during lunch, and it means so much to me that you are trying to help me out with my radio career. I still remember the day I came into class crying and you delivered a lolly through the toy squirrel I got for you. I never told you, but that little act of kindness was and still is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. You were one of the first teachers who actually believed in me, and you're quirky and caring personality is one of the things that has encouraged me to help others, and taught me that its ok to be different. If it wasn't for you, I honestly do think I wouldn't have made it through high school as far as I have in one piece.
Thank you so much.
Dear Dan
It's been a few years since I met you at parachute, and in total honesty, that was the highlight for me. You probably thought I was a weirdo, and I'm sorry for making you feel claustrophobic, and possibly creeping you out with the necklace, but there was something inside of me saying that you would be an important part of my life, and you are. I remember running into the house, turning on the computer and logging onto facebook in hope that you would be online (and I'll admit, I still do now). I love my friends, they are amazing, but there are times where I feel as if I don't belong. I felt lonely. But whenever I talked to you, those feelings would flee. It was reassuring to know that I had someone I could go to in a time of need. There are things I have told you, that no one else knows. Trust was and is something I struggle with, but I can truthfully say that I completely trust you. You are like a brother to me, and you are one of my best friends. I don't really mind if I'm not one of yours, because just being a friend means so much to me. I thank God everyday for giving me a friend as great as you. You have had a huge impact in my life. You are an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.
Thank you.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Cue Twilight Zone Opening Theme Music
The future. It can be a scary thing to think about. Some people don't want to talk about, others have their whole life planned. I am coming up to my final year at high school next year, and after that, I am free to do pretty much what ever I want.
What is it that I want to do? Well I have more of a list of things I would like to do at some point in my life, such as:
What is it that I want to do? Well I have more of a list of things I would like to do at some point in my life, such as:
- Become a school prefect.
- Bake and decorate a wedding cake for a friend
- Open up a Cafe and call it "Om Nom Nom"
- Travel around the world with my closest friends (see the seven wonders of the world etc...)
- Work in radio (preferably at Life FM)
- Perform at Parachute music festival
- Record an album or EP of my own original songs (it doesnt have to sell)
- Have a white Christmas
- Be a inspirational speaker at something like Easter Camp or Parachute
- go on mission trips
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Are his actions justifiable?
These past holidays I went to camp with my youth group. Unfortunately I spent most of that week with a bucket by my side due to having the flu, but thats not what this post is about.
A good friend of mine just had her heart broken by one of the guys at this camp.
I could start on a long rant about how cold and heartless he was, but when I stop and think about it, it was really never his intention to hurt her. Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
It's not like he decided "Hey, this girl likes me. Lets break her heart just for a bit of fun."
He is actually quite a nice guy when you get to know him, but he still lead her on for a year. That part I'm not very impressed with.
But it made me think. About what? About Josh. What about him? It made me think about what he did to me. 9 months of what now seems like leading me on, if he actually liked me or not is still a mystery, but frankly I don't actually care.
After all this time, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he (most likely) never ment to hurt me. The way he handled the situation really wasn't the best, but to tell the truth, most people would probably do the same thing. Run.
It makes me think about all the people who have hurt me. Most of them (probably) never intented to hurt me at all. They were nice people, still are, but their actions and words let them down.
We don't always think about what we are doing until its too late. I know I have done my fair share of damage in the past, and will probably do so in the future as well. Although I do aim to do better.
I accept the fact that people have and will hurt me, but realising that (one can assume) they never ment to hurt me makes things a bit easier for me to forgive.
A good friend of mine just had her heart broken by one of the guys at this camp.
I could start on a long rant about how cold and heartless he was, but when I stop and think about it, it was really never his intention to hurt her. Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
It's not like he decided "Hey, this girl likes me. Lets break her heart just for a bit of fun."
He is actually quite a nice guy when you get to know him, but he still lead her on for a year. That part I'm not very impressed with.
But it made me think. About what? About Josh. What about him? It made me think about what he did to me. 9 months of what now seems like leading me on, if he actually liked me or not is still a mystery, but frankly I don't actually care.
After all this time, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he (most likely) never ment to hurt me. The way he handled the situation really wasn't the best, but to tell the truth, most people would probably do the same thing. Run.
It makes me think about all the people who have hurt me. Most of them (probably) never intented to hurt me at all. They were nice people, still are, but their actions and words let them down.
We don't always think about what we are doing until its too late. I know I have done my fair share of damage in the past, and will probably do so in the future as well. Although I do aim to do better.
I accept the fact that people have and will hurt me, but realising that (one can assume) they never ment to hurt me makes things a bit easier for me to forgive.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this
As I said in one of my earlier posts, I wrote and performed a song for assembly
So here it is, as requested :)
Also, I've finally decided on a name for my one man band
Theinvisiblesign
I wrote this song but couldn't think of a title for it so I just went with this
I’m taking things slow once again
Hearts that burn let go eventually
Things turn around for me
I finally see the beauty
In this world, from this angle
Upside down and incomplete
It’s like catching a rainbow
In your hands, when you’ve got cold feet
I could spend a life time
Denying the truth
Of the coldest part of your heart
The darkness folded through
Melting moments in your hands
Still frozen at the ends
The hardest part of giving up
Was trying so hard
When beauty is fleeting
All the butterflies are leaving
The shaken and confused
Hearts once broken, now glued
O, how time passes us by
Leaving only memories
O, how I wish you could stay
Just a little while longer dear
(c) Copyright Theinvisiblesign 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
35 sleeps to go
My mother and my auntie raised a very semi-important topic today.
My birthday.
They asked if I had plans, if there was anything I wanted to do, and my mother informed me that once again, she will not be around on that day.
To answer the questions - Do I have have plans? Is there anything I want to do? The answer being no, I do not have plans and yes, there is something I would like to do.
With everything that is going on in my life at the moment (filming, camps, voice recording for a video game, planning the perfect night for my friends on the 6th of august) I have had hardly any time to think of how I should celebrate the 17th anniversary of the day I was born.
Should I spend it with heaps of friends, being showered with love and gifts, feeling like I am the most important thing in the world?
Well I am not the most important thing in the world, so there goes that part.
As for the rest? Well every year it has been the same, I am showered with gifts, spending time with friends and family (that part I adore), and having some sort of get together. All of which is rather nice, but at some point on that day, I will cry.
Until last year, the reason as to why I would cry were negative.
Last year was by far the best birthday I have had so far. For once I had everything I wanted. When I say everything I wanted, I don't mean gifts, money, blah blah blah... No. When I say everything I wanted I mean I was surrounded by people who loved and cared about me.
I was happy, content with where I was in life, and for those who knew (and there only a few) what I was going through at that time, this was a very big deal for me. I did end up crying at some point, but they were tears of joy.
One of the things that made last year the greatest, I believe, was the fact I had no high expectations what so ever about that day. I didn't care if had a tonne of presents given to me, if I had cake, or if my friends embarressed me infront the class by screaming out "IT'S RACHEL'S BIRTHDAY" followed by a very out of tune, out of time happy birthday song. I started the day with the expectation of being dissapointed yet again. But I wasn't.
I got everything I wanted.
My birthday.
They asked if I had plans, if there was anything I wanted to do, and my mother informed me that once again, she will not be around on that day.
To answer the questions - Do I have have plans? Is there anything I want to do? The answer being no, I do not have plans and yes, there is something I would like to do.
With everything that is going on in my life at the moment (filming, camps, voice recording for a video game, planning the perfect night for my friends on the 6th of august) I have had hardly any time to think of how I should celebrate the 17th anniversary of the day I was born.
Should I spend it with heaps of friends, being showered with love and gifts, feeling like I am the most important thing in the world?
Well I am not the most important thing in the world, so there goes that part.
As for the rest? Well every year it has been the same, I am showered with gifts, spending time with friends and family (that part I adore), and having some sort of get together. All of which is rather nice, but at some point on that day, I will cry.
Until last year, the reason as to why I would cry were negative.
Last year was by far the best birthday I have had so far. For once I had everything I wanted. When I say everything I wanted, I don't mean gifts, money, blah blah blah... No. When I say everything I wanted I mean I was surrounded by people who loved and cared about me.
I was happy, content with where I was in life, and for those who knew (and there only a few) what I was going through at that time, this was a very big deal for me. I did end up crying at some point, but they were tears of joy.
One of the things that made last year the greatest, I believe, was the fact I had no high expectations what so ever about that day. I didn't care if had a tonne of presents given to me, if I had cake, or if my friends embarressed me infront the class by screaming out "IT'S RACHEL'S BIRTHDAY" followed by a very out of tune, out of time happy birthday song. I started the day with the expectation of being dissapointed yet again. But I wasn't.
I got everything I wanted.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Who I am hates who I've been
As of last Friday, this is my longest relationship. You could say I am comparing this relationship to my previous ones, but to me, I am comparing myself: Who I am now and who I used to be. A year ago I was a commitment foe (it has since changed). The idea of being “stuck” with one person scared me, even if it was in terms of dating. It took me a while to realise this though.
But each relationship has taught me something about myself. Who I am, what I want out of life and what I can give back.
In a way I was selfish. They asked for something that I wasn’t willing to give, yet I asked for something in return.
They say girls have sex for love, but me? I loved for love, if that makes any sense. I told them “I love you” so they would say it back, even if I didn’t love them. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to feel special in someone’s eyes. Now I want to love someone. Now I do love someone.
It was never face to face those three words, and it soon lost its charm. I went through it over and over and over, never really learning from my mistakes, breaking hearts as I went on.
I’ve never been dumped, nor do I want to be. But I don’t want to break any more hearts. It is possible to break your own heart, I have. I forced my heart to love when it really didn’t. I guess that’s what drove me, what made me hold on for so long, I wanted to be loved. I never told him though. 9 months it took for me to convince myself I loved him, but a moment for my heart to break. When I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, I realised what I had done. Sure I was mad at him, but it was I who was to blame.
I do that a lot, blame myself. I am used to being blamed for when things go wrong, so it’s only natural that I would still take it.
That’s one thing that hasn’t really changed about me; I still take it all with ease.
Maybe, as I have grown up, the idea of being with someone has changed, I have changed. Who I am does not hate who I’ve been, but they are not that same.
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