Over It

The headache's back after being gone for just two days. 4 visits to the doctor in a month. She wrote a referral to neurologist. A week later we get a letter from the hospital saying "the specialist has assessed the information provided and has prioritised your referral as URGENT," and to be honest, this freaks me out. Those bold letters screamed at me "URGENT."
Its not meant to be urgent, only minor.

Have you ever imagined what you would do if you were told you were going to dye soon? I have. I'll also admit to imagining how people would react to something like that. What if I am actually dying from some illness? Would I tell anyone about? I couldn't stand the thought of my friends worrying, or being bombarded with mushy sympathy lines. One of the reasons I kept my dad's heart ops a secret from my school friends until it was to unbearable to handle on my own. But then again, would I milk the sympathy thing? Use it to my advantage? Probably not. If anything, I would keep my mouth shut (like I normally do).

I'm not good with telling people how I feel, unless its happy. I could go on forever about being happy. It makes other people happy, and that's what I want.

But my music is sad/serious. Its me actually expressing how I feel. I guess that's why I'm hurt when people don't listen, especially the ones who say that I can tell them anything. If that were true, then you wouldn't talk over the top of me, or walk out of the room because "it's another sad song." You wanted me to tell you how I was feeling, but you threw it in my face when I listened to you?

I don't belong.

I'm scared, not that I let people know, but I am. I'm scared to be seen as weak, like I need help. I do need help though. I know for a fact I can't go through life on my own. But that's where God comes in.

Gosh, I really am no good at this.

I am dying. So are you. Each and everyday we are dying. To quote one of my favourite songs by Jon Foreman:

"All along I thought 
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really 
I've been learning how to die"

If you were to dye today,

would you be ready?