I want to run away

Now don't freak out! I don't plan on running away from home or school or anything like that. That is not what I mean.
It would be more like a break, a holiday, after a stressful life.
A road trip with friends, just because we can.
I've done it before, last summer.
There were five of us: me, Ainsley, Jacob, Phil and Ashley.
No parents, no one over the age of 18.
Ainsley had called earlier that morning, asked if I wanted to go to the beach, of course I said yes.
We left for the beach 2 hours after that phone call.
We walked around in the dunes for a bit, talked about life.
I already knew Jacob and Phil, but this was my first time meeting Ashley.
I asked him a few things about himself; how he knew Jacob; what school he went to; his favourite colour... things of that nature.
He was shy, so I carried most of the conversation.
We wandered down to the shore line, taking of my jandles, I started to walk in the shallow water.
It was a sunny day. The boys sat down on some driftwood while me and Ainsley stayed by the water.
As we walked, we talked, then I decided I wanted to go for a swim.
Without saying a word, I took off running for the deeper water.
As a wave comes towards me, I dive hands first.
I stay submerged for a bit, then surface.
I hear Ainsley call out asking if I was alright.
I guess my dive looked more like I had tripped.
With a great big grin on my face I scream for her to come in.
She is hesitant, but finally come charging in after me.
We see the boys looking at us like we are mad, but they soon follow.
An hour goes by, so we decide to head back to the driftwood.
We talk some more, about deep, meaningful things.
I end up burying Ashley in sand, but he doesn't care.
We sit there in the sun for a few hours.
Ainsley makes a remark about how hot I look with my tan skin, knee length boardshorts, and tank top over my togs.
She then says she jealous of my skin 'cause she only burns in the sun.
I just smile, laugh, say thanks, and tell her she is beautiful, even if her skin turns pink during the summer.
At five we decide its time to go home.
But instead of going home, we head back into Palmy.
Still sandy and slightly wet from the sea.
We get fish 'n' chips and go back to Phil's house to watch a movie.
This wasn't the original plan, but I don't think there ever was a plan.
We talk some more before Ainsley's dad comes to pick us up.
As he takes us back to my place he asks if I want to go to Wellington tomorrow.
Again I say yes. I get home and pack in 6 minutes.
I tell my parents goodbye, that I'll see them when I get back, and that I love them.
I stayed the night at Ainsley's. We were on the road by half past five in the morning.
We walked along the waterfront, walked into the city center.
Finally we settled on a beach down the far end of the waterfront.
We didn't have money, but we had a camera.
All throughout the day we took photos of ourselves.
We didn't do much, but we had fun.

The two most spontaneous days of my life.
I felt young.
I felt free.
I felt the pleasure of leaving.
I had run away.
And returned with great memories.

I want to run away.

Andy's Opening Thoughts

This is a little something my friend Andy wrote and read out at youth group last week, and I just thought it was so cool! So I thought I would share it with you (whoever you is). These are his words, not mine.




Okay, lets set the mood here:
3:30am, its VERY dark. The moon is lighting the whole sky and also were I can see. I am tired, have just seen my mum, am full of Limewire (for a change) and garlic bread. Listening to my music on my laptop (also for a change) I am happy. So! I decide to look to the sky, out of the corner of my eye I spot a shooting star. As soon as I see it I think "WHOOOH WISH TIME!" So, upon thinking that I quickly make a wish. I open my eyes, adjust my bicycle so I'm NOT in the gutter and center everything. I ponder on the wish I made for a moment and then selfishly, I close my eyes again and start thinking a single thought that goes like this:

"Dear Lord, please make the next song Shooting Stars"

Now! Please don't kill me yet, I know it was slefish and something you don't really ask the almighty Lord, but my wish was selfless, so NYEAH!

So, at the time I had 1945 songs in my playlist. So! The chances of a single song playing was... well... pretty to use a space pun, ASTRONOMICAL! Knowing this I kinda shrugged it off thinking it would never happen. After a bit of Bass Hunter, I found myself waiting eagerly for the result. Stars or Naah's? The Shoting Stars I had wanted was this (Plays snipet of Shooting Stars - Bag Raiders) this, however, is what I got instead (plays snipet of Airplanes - B.O.B ft Hayley Williams)

Now! You may think this proves nothing right? Or maybe you're thinking "Andy, is there a point to this?" Well lads and female-lads, there is! I listened to Airplanes and felt so happy. It wasn't the song I wanted, but it felt like out of the 1945 songs that COULD have played, this one was very close to what I wanted. To put it bluntly, I felt as if God listened and was riding that ride with me. He had heard my prayer, but answered it differently.

AND NOW TO MY POINT!!! I felt God had heard my prayer but answered it differently, yet He still had my best interests in mind. Which I feel brought me to this point nicely; GOD ALWAYS LISTENS! And although He may see like he doesn't answer your prayers, He does. He listens, and He answers, but in His own time and not ours, it may not even be exactly what you wanted. But He has heard and He has answered. He has our interests at heart and mind. Heck! He sent his only son to die for our sins, so He MUST like us a-freakin-lot right? So! If your prayers feel like they go by unheard...

Do not fret! They are with The Lord himself, he doesn't have an office lady who deals with those matters, he does them PERSONALLY. Do not fret I say! For The Lord works in mysterious ways, your prayers will be answered, be they answered word for word, or in The Lords on sly little way. Do not fret my friends!

Everything

Just the other day my boyfriend posted a youtube video on my facebook wall
The song was Michael Buble - Everything
But thats not exactly what this post is about.
This post is based on a song, and that song is called everything, but its not by Mr Buble.

The song I'm talking about is this one here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSwCOs-uXzU

Lifehouse - everything.

I first heard this song 3 years ago at my first easter camp, and since then I have rediscovered it earlier this year. As I have found on youtube, it has been done quite a few times, but I like this version the best.
1) because I love the white suit and red and black shoes and 2) because of 5.05 (roughly around there) where the girl is at the feet of the Lord and He takes of his coat and puts it on her.

It reminded me of one of my first God encounters, at my first easter camp three years ago.
It was the Sunday night, and Sunday night at easter camp is known for its tear jerking capeabilities, but as much as I felt like crying, I couldn't. For so long I knew there was something wrong, but I could never put my fingure on it. I stood at the front of the stage, people in groups and pairs crying, hugging, praying together. It was at that moment that I began to feel alone. Surrounded by hundreds of friendly faces, yet I was alone. But not just there, but at school too, with my friends. It was also at that moment that I felt a hand rest upon my shoulder, I turned to see who was there and I saw no one, the closest people to me were two girls about 2 meters away from me. I began to cry. I was not alone, I had God by my side and that was never going to change. As I walked out of the meeting area, I noticed that my breath fogged in the cold night air, yet I didn't feel cold. I felt like someone had wrapped a warm blanket around me, I felt warm and safe.

"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where
I find peace again"

The second thing it reminded me of is this: about 3 months ago a friend of mine asked me during english "were you truely happy before you had a boyfriend? Or are you truely happy with one?"
My reply was this : "I was truely happy without a boyfriend, but being in a relationship with him just makes me that bit happier," her reply was a short pause and an "okay" before she went back to work.
In one of our d'n'ms (deep and meaningful conversations) me and my cousin talked about relationships. I brought up this question which was asked, and told him my response. His reply was similar to that of my friends, but with a slight difference. It started with a slight pause, but instead of an "okay" he said "that is the right answer."
I must admit it felt nice to be told I said the right thing, I haven't always been so great with words in the past. But even if he hadn't told me that, I still believe it is the right answer.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"

 When I'm told "I love you more than anything" the honest reply is that the same can not be said for me.
My heart will always belong to the Lord. Because "You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?" "You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting. You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose...you're everything""Cause you're all I want, You're all I need. You're everything, everything"

To who ever cares enough to listen

It's amazing how much can change in a year. I am not the same girl I was year ago. Maybe one day I will get enough courage to tell someone, or anyone the full story of what happened to me. I might be brave enough to post it here on this blog. It no longer hurts to think about what happened, and I'm not angry at him any more, but the secrets eat away at me, all because I keep it to myself. One of these days I'll tell you. It may take a while, but I promise I will tell you.

A few things that haven't changed is the fact that I still feel like an outsider with my friends. I love them dearly, but sometimes they don't really make me feel welcome, that I don't really belong with them. I know they don't mean to, but its how I feel.

This is me the night it happened
Take a look outside the window
There are places to go there are faces to see
And we'll make it
If we just leave

It's proven to be the hardest part of moving on
Accepting we were wrong
But we'll find that it's easier
Letting go, with one foot strong

I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive

Take a look outside at the world
Everything now broken
Glass shattered and sprayed all around
Who knew these walls had windows

And I like to think that it was hard for you
To be so cold
But reality it tells me
That your ways are now old

I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive

I've proven that the hardest part of moving on
Was being so cold
But I like to think the hardest part for you
was accepting you were wrong

I'm alright, I'm alive
I can make it through this fight
I can breathe
That's all I need to survive
Through this night

(c) Theinvisiblesign 2011

Letters to people who will probably never read them

Thinking back to the past few years (mostly my high school years) I have noticed something: I have a lot of guys in my life. That doesn't seem like a big shock, well not for me anyway.
What I mean by this is that most of my mentor/ heroes/ people I look up to have all been male, and all older than myself.
So in this blog I would like to write a letter (although I doubt they will ever read this) to Ken, Dave, Mr Bell and Dan.

Dear Ken.
The year I had you as a youth leader was one of the best years for me, and one of the worst.
It was the year that I really started getting into my faith. The year I went through comfirmation. The year I had my first boyfriend, and my first break up. And all through this you were there to push me on.
You sparked this passion inside of me, I wanted to make a change in the world. And it all started with coffee. I fell in love with fairtrade that year. You introduced me to this world where things aren't always as they seem, and taught me it was ok to stand up and stand out from the crowd. This was the start of a new, confident me.
Thank you.

Dear Dave.
Although it was only 4 days, you made a huge impact on my life. You made me realise that I was worth something in God's eyes, and that made me feel some self worth. You may never know this, but it was because of this that I stopped my ways of self harm. And here you are, thinking you were stopping me from calling myself a loser.
Thank you.

Dear Mr Bell.
You are by far my favourite teacher, even if you don't actual teach me anymore. I always enjoy our talks during lunch, and it means so much to me that you are trying to help me out with my radio career. I still remember the day I came into class crying and you delivered a lolly through the toy squirrel I got for you. I never told you, but that little act of kindness was and still is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. You were one of the first teachers who actually believed in me, and you're quirky and caring personality is one of the things that has encouraged me to help others, and taught me that its ok to be different. If it wasn't for you, I honestly do think I wouldn't have made it through high school as far as I have in one piece.
Thank you so much.

Dear Dan
It's been a few years since I met you at parachute, and in total honesty, that was the highlight for me. You probably thought I was a weirdo, and I'm sorry for making you feel claustrophobic, and possibly creeping you out with the necklace, but there was something inside of me saying that you would be an important part of my life, and you are. I remember running into the house, turning on the computer and logging onto facebook in hope that you would be online (and I'll admit, I still do now). I love my friends, they are amazing, but there are times where I feel as if I don't belong. I felt lonely. But whenever I talked to you, those feelings would flee. It was reassuring to know that I had someone I could go to in a time of need. There are things I have told you, that no one else knows. Trust was and is something I struggle with, but I can truthfully say that I completely trust you. You are like a brother to me, and you are one of my best friends. I don't really mind if I'm not one of yours, because just being a friend means so much to me. I thank God everyday for giving me a friend as great as you. You have had a huge impact in my life. You are an inspiration and a hero in my eyes.
Thank you.

Cue Twilight Zone Opening Theme Music

The future. It can be a scary thing to think about. Some people don't want to talk about, others have their whole life planned. I am coming up to my final year at high school next year, and after that, I am free to do pretty much what ever I want.
What is it that I want to do? Well I have more of a list of things I would like to do at some point in my life, such as:

• Become a school prefect.
• Bake and decorate a wedding cake for a friend
• Open up a Cafe and call it "Om Nom Nom"
• Travel around the world with my closest friends (see the seven wonders of the world etc...)
• Work in radio (preferably at Life FM)
• Perform at Parachute music festival
• Record an album or EP of my own original songs (it doesnt have to sell)
• Have a white Christmas
• Be a inspirational speaker at something like Easter Camp or Parachute
• go on mission trips

And the list goes on. If you were to see this list, you might think I am crazy for thinking I could do it all, but is it so wrong to dream? I know what I want to do, I just don't know when or how it will all happen. But I want to make the most of this life I've been given. I want impact and change lives. I want to be remembered not because of fame or fortune, but by friends and family through my actions and words. Is it wrong to want to be remembered? I don't know, but I want to be known as the girl who cared and helped those who needed it, and who was there with a smile and a hug to say "It will all be ok, you'll see."

Are his actions justifiable?

These past holidays I went to camp with my youth group. Unfortunately I spent most of that week with a bucket by my side due to having the flu, but thats not what this post is about.

A good friend of mine just had her heart broken by one of the guys at this camp.
I could start on a long rant about how cold and heartless he was, but when I stop and think about it, it was really never his intention to hurt her. Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
It's not like he decided "Hey, this girl likes me. Lets break her heart just for a bit of fun."
He is actually quite a nice guy when you get to know him, but he still lead her on for a year. That part I'm not very impressed with.

But it made me think. About what? About Josh. What about him? It made me think about what he did to me. 9 months of what now seems like leading me on, if he actually liked me or not is still a mystery, but frankly I don't actually care.
After all this time, I have finally come to terms with the fact that he (most likely) never ment to hurt me. The way he handled the situation really wasn't the best, but to tell the truth, most people would probably do the same thing. Run.

It makes me think about all the people who have hurt me. Most of them (probably) never intented to hurt me at all. They were nice people, still are, but their actions and words let them down.
We don't always think about what we are doing until its too late. I know I have done my fair share of damage in the past, and will probably do so in the future as well. Although I do aim to do better.
I accept the fact that people have and will hurt me, but realising that (one can assume) they never ment to hurt me makes things a bit easier for me to forgive.